My suicide project.

  June 14th, 2016 by OddBlueBoy

Hey, they call me Odd. It’s nice to share my story with you.

First off, im not killing myself… Yet. I’m trying to push for another 10 months of living. I’ll be 18, in April. I’ve decided to tell my story now, just incase i jump the gun a little early.

Where do I start? This is kind of like a “my moment” type of thing. So, how can I personally catch your attention, long enough, to hear me out?

I’ll start by asking; “have you ever been sad?”

Read that line again: “Have you ever been sad?” Not just felt it, like seriously been sad, in all your entirety. The things you did, thought, and said was just SAD. I’ve been this way since 13. I used to be really cool with everybody, had friends and ran the block with them everyday. Until suddenly, I just stopped. I still don’t understand what it was that killed the life out of me. I could blame a number of things: Dad? Mom? Being shipped back an forth? School? Idk honestly. My family blame it all on a girl, i met at 13. God she’s the Devil to my parents. We all have them Ex’s, right? Funny thing is, they only hated her and her family, because they weren’t afraid to tell the truth about me: I WASNT OKAY!! Never was.

I think it’s just me though, honestly. I don’t think I was meant to be alive. I’ve never been good for anything. Not at sports and definitely not at school; no special talents either. I was a dumb, but happy child! Happy! I was able to use my stupidity to be happy and gain friends for the most of my school career. Feeding off the attention of others. Good and bad. I had some bullies. Wasnt till about the end of middle school, I just gave up trying all together. It’s around that time, where you’re supposed to mature and figure yourself out. My friends did. I was so proud, but jealous. They were all doing so great and then there was me; awkwardly still stupid and now going through every phase possible.

I was going into highschool knowing I wasn’t ready or prepared; I didn’t even have the motivation to be. I was just terrified. That freshman year sure was foretold within my fears. It crashed and burned fast. Half a school year, filled with few good moments, I suppose; but definitely filled with a lot of bad. I was just too socially awkward, and a few bullies followed from middle school too. Instead of being able to laugh about it, like i used to, It all just made me angry! Angry as hell! I was infatuated with the pain and anger too.  I loved it. I wanted to lash back so bad, and for even more attention. Lets just say I got expelled.

They gave me one more chance at a new school. I repeated freshman year, and actually did great. Too bad that success lasted just that year. Whatever. Let’s get off the topic of school. I’ll fast forward and say “I’m a 17 year old, who will be taking sophmore classes till.. Im 18” 

 

I’m just a juvenile delinquent who’s waisting good recourses and people’s precious time. I’ve been through counseling and medication, but none of it has help and I refuse to proceed taking medication to be someone else. I dont drive, I can’t hold a job (I’ve had three within my first eligible year). I disappoint my family more and more every week. No one wants to deal with me. Mom “doesn’t owe me shit” & “wants me to move in with dad”  I’m a “Disgrace”  to dad and he doesn’t trust me. My grandparents are done harboring me for them.

I don’t see myself getting better. I’ve been this way since 13. Not because of mom, dad, or ex girlfriends. Not because of school either. Just because, I, myself, is a lazy piece of waste to society. I have no motivation to get better. All my dreams are pipe dreams, honestly. I wanted to be a model or writer, but that’s a joke.

In 10 months, or sooner… I’ll just be the trans boy who killed himself after suffering depression, because he was bullied for being different.

HINT:THATS A LIE TO LOOK GOOD.

Im a stupid, confused, and lost kid. I was lazy all my life and never amounted to any of the shit I tried. I never stuck around long enough to truly learn. When I got to old for my ignorance to accumulate attention, in my ignorance, i found sadness. I became one with sadness, because it was easy. Giving up and letting my life rot in my hands, instead of putting in effort to make my mark; that’s what was easy.

Dear Future Of The World.

While in the midst of growing up and finding yourself, remember to work on ones current self. Get your education, try new things (give them at least a month to set in), explore, be positive, focus on yourself and your future. Don’t ever get lazy. Keep on pushing yourself, because it all will pay of and you’ll make everyone proud, including yourself. You don’t have to be stupid and immature to be loved. And always remember to love yourself. Don’t ever become a part of the dead like me. There is nothing here, no family, friends, fun, happiness… No chance of success. Keep on living. Even if you’re living, because a dead person told you to.

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