With my humor and ‘grace’ my life should be a comedy. A light hearted comedy with a cheesy family togetherness ending. But its not. Its a draining melodrama masked as comedy in the trailers. I know everyone is tired of hearing it, quite honestly im tired of thinking it echo in my mind all day. Im tired. Some days it hurts so bad that I have to tell someone. So I texted my mother I’m tired. And she replies as worried mothers do, did you get enough sleep? Are you working too much? To which I had no answer. Because no I am not tired from work or lack of sleep. Ma I’m tired. I can’t continue living anymore, I want to end it, i want to be free. But I know telling her all of that wouldn’t do much good. I’d assume whats worse than feeling suicidal is having you’re kid tell you that she is. She would just feel like a terrible mother. Or maybe I just know she can’t do anything. No one can. Im just hoping that since I lack the courage God would just do me the favor of ending it all early, I mean all im asking for is a lightening strike or two.
I have a great laugh, it’s infectious. I am what people would say is a bubbly cheerful person. And I am. Who says suicidal people can’t be confident. When Im laughing I truly am laughing. When Im smiling, I mean it. But it is absolutely crazy to me that even through that moment of happiness the hurt doesn’t go away. Its like adding two layers of perfume on top of the same dirty stinky shirt you’ve been wearing all week for work. I am laughing for that moment. In that moment I find something funny and I laugh and yet still I am sad. I guess part of being human is being able to feel multiple emotions at the same time. Still its insane to me that the hurt inside me will never go away. From the moment it creeped into my soul, it’s forever a part of me.
They say i am young. Youre only 21, you have time. So right now I am having the debate of my life, do I wait it out, wait for it all to get better. Or should I just stop waiting already. Im quite an impatient young lady.
4 comments
You should wait. Somewhere in this world there’s something or someone that can help you to get rid of the hurt inside. However, as a side note, the hurt will never be permanently gone. It’s part of the human condition, to hurt, and to feel. Everyone feels hurt inside at some points in their lives. The important part is how we handle that, and fight against it. Lastly, it sounds like you’re a wonderful person, with a loving and supportive mother. You owe it yourself and to your mother to live your life to its end. Who knows what you’ll experience on the way.
I’m sorry you’re feeling tired/drained, I can relate. I don’t know that the pain goes away. I think being alive hurts, and that every living person (even those who aren’t depressed) has a void of some sort. We all have death within us. Some are just better at finding ways to “plug it up”. Or maybe it’s that they aren’t aware it’s there/hide from it by creating delusion(s)? Or maybe they just never had to stand so close to the edge?… I don’t know.
I read some quote yesterday that said “pain is fear leaving your body”. So basically, you’re a brave person for embracing the pain and yet allowing yourself to feel so much more. It’s admirable.
Ah… It was “pain is weakness leaving your body”
Anyway. Still. you are stronger than you know
I can relate a lot. I feel my younger self a bit. I told my mother I had suicidal thoughts, but we have very open relationship, I think its not recommendable for most of the parents.
I think I’m quite nice person also, I’m just so sick. And sometimes, good emotions can go through the sickness. Well, you can always somehow solve it or let it dissolve into something much less destructive, but we don’t want to wait million years, I know that feeling. As u decide in your life any way, I’m with you 🙂