Kind of like TV snow to my ears

I guess we’ll start off with a bit of an introduction, I rather not give my full first name because of its uniqueness especially being in Texas I would be easy to figure out so I will go by Jules.

I could start off with telling you how life was an absolute nightmare and go on and on about my misfortunes but it’s irrelevant at this stage and I’m not here to compete who’s had it worse or beg for sympathy. Now to what I want to share and get from this blog, I will ask y’all to please out of respect and I’m sure mutual understanding that no one please tell me things will get better, life is not kind and as a lot of you here will agree that in a lot of cases we will never understand or be given reasons why some always draw the short end of the stick. It’s easier for me to withdraw from everyone and stop believing in concepts such as Karma or some divine justice, it only broke my mind and that needed no help by any means. I would just like to have a safe space where I know no one in real life and can express my raw thoughts and emotions without the usual downward spiral and breakdowns that resulted from asking help from my boyfriend or friends. If anything my outlook took the only huge blessing I got from this world and I once had mass amounts of friends and because of my work and standing in the subculture I was deeply involved in I had truly believed that I was so close to stepping out of the dark.

Most people will blame bad friends and talk about how shallow these ralationships are, and as well it’s very true but not at all their faults. Emotions and lives never run the same and I get confused and can care a less about a lot of their issues so I’m sure my issues are more then they could handle and it chased even the ones I loved the most away including my boyfriend. I did have this one particular friend who was very similar and he died from heroine  OD back in Jan, this is still someone I can’t or will never get over because he was in a lot of ways my only breathing safe space for my thoughts and as ugly as my secrets are.

I may not be actively suicidal at the moment but I’m certainly not being subtle on heading in that direction, I am just tired and I’m seeing where my life goes and it’s no use to hurt myself more on fighting it. My birthday was my last snap and I’m so ashamed of my behavior, since then I’ve stopped texting or contacting my friends and boyfriend, judging by his text he’s less concerned and more pissed about who I’m probably talking to. I think it’s better if he thinks that, I want to push him far away so it hurts them less and so they can’t hurt me with their expectations and disregard their denial and anger towards my mental health is causing me. I do love him very much, in a perfect world this would have ended different but I am abusive without trying and I’m killing the qualities in those I ever get romanticly involved with no matter how hard I  try to do right by them and change my flaws. It would be easier if it was as simple as cheating, but in my case I may even be worse because I’m far more destructive with good intentions and loyalty.

Its been rough, but I know what I’m doing is for the best. I will restate, I’m not trying to find new friends or even want someone to save me but I do appreciate conversation and feedback. I’ve read through several post before joining for two days, it’s been a real help and comfort that I haven’t cried and really relaxed.

Thank you, Jules.