Does anyone have a bleaker life than me? Here is a typical day: wake around 10am, try and get more sleep, fail. Get up feeling very anxious, don’t want to go out in the mornings, too scared. Jog on the spot for a few minutes in my living room, read [even though I don’t like reading in case I start obsessing about things I’m reading about] for a bit. Repeat this for hours. Maybe spend an hour on the net.
Go out for an hour or two at one of my parents [my only social contacts] early evening. Get stressed at parent’s house, leave crying [will I ever see them again given I’m very suicidal?]
Arrive back at my untidy dismal abode, try and kill some more time watching DVDs. Go on net for a few hours. Midnight: sit in the dark in my bedroom listening to the radio, occasionally strumming a guitar and doing the odd on the spot jog, Get in bed, listen to the radio or CDs, fall asleep at around 3am [don’t want to be awake at 7, 8am]
This is not living.
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What would you rather be doing (while alive)?
What I used to do before I lost the will to live. Go out and do things during the day and not pray for death.
What types of things did you enjoy doing during the day? (Beforehand)
When you go out now is it unbearable?
I miss being creative. I also need to get my car back. I need to change my scenery in order to feel compelled to do anything life-like. I’ve been at a standstill myself (For too long).
Is this a competition? Lol… well let me see.
1. I wake up at 8am and first thing b4 my eyes are even fully open I have a cigarette.
2. I get up and just sit on the edge of the bed. I have another cigarette.
3. I move off the bed and go to the bathroom use toilet, wash my face and brush my teeth
4. I go back to sit on my bed and I have another cigarette
5. I go make a cup of coffee
6. Back to sitting on the bed with my coffee and another cigarette while I go through Facebook
7. It’s 10am time to get stoned I have a sesh.
8. I have 2 more cigarettes then I go find something to munch on.
9. I go back to bed have another cigarette and read the news online
10. I’ve gone back to sleep before 1pm
11. Wake up again at 5pm and repeat cycle. Rinse and repeat. The only time it changes is when I’m drunk and that’s when I start doing stupid things like writing on sp haha
What do you do between 5pm and when you fall asleep?
Sorry ignore the question, I see it’s ‘rinse and repeat’.
No it’s not a competition, I just wondered if anyone else is somehow surviving an incredibly rubbish life. I know how soul destroying it is and just wanted to reach out.
I used to walk several miles and use the library most days. Go to gigs, sports events. I seemed to get by with these.
Have you tried going for a walk recently? Just to see how it feels?
Yeah. It’s complicated as I feel I’m developing psychosis. When I see people I start obsessing about things.
Yeah I know it’s no competition. I’m just being sarcastic as I could actually win the most pointless life prize. I am bored shitless lonely hermit who does fuk all but smoke all day everyday and every 3rd day drunk as I can’t afford everyday.
Oh and by the way thanks for sharing that you run on the spot. I’m going to do that one. Been thinking I should exercise but then I can’t be fuked but all I need to do here is just stand up. Haha
Got me an 18pk of Heineken beer today so I’m stoked. Might play a game with myself for every bottle of beer got to run on the spot for a random amount of minutes I pull out from a hat. Wow how cool I just made a drinking game for one. Lolz
“…fall asleep at around 3am…” thats the time im getting up
what type of stuff do you end up obsessing about (if you don’t mind me asking)?
Is it sort of like social anxiety? I Don’t do well myself in crowds or around people (especially for long periods of time). Some days are worse than others
I’m scared I’ll start thinking I’m a certain celebrity and wonder if people will recognize me. Ridiculous I know because I’l not famous and I’m not a celebrity. I feel I am losing my mind and becoming psychotic. It’s terrifying.
Is this a new thing you worry about? Did it start recently? Have you told anyone (besides on here?)
Seems like it would be nerve-racking being out in public with that thought running through your head…
It comes and goes and varies in intensity.