It was a rainy, stormy night. There was no one in sight except for the occasional hurrying person probably out on an errand (though it’s unlikely because it was almost midnight). I just walked around the neighborhood, with my headphones on and just…walking. It was also kinda stupid, because God knows what could have happened to me.
But anyway. It was amazing, and I felt alive. I was alone and I could be myself. While the normal person would prefer to go out on a sunny day with clear skies, I’d make peace with the rain. It’s the kind of solitude that keeps me in peace. There’s beauty in the rain, where you can feel splattering rain drops at your feet. And when you look up, there’s this camera-like effect as the light from the lamp post bounces of your eyelashes and you can see a sparkle.
There’s a stirring in my stomach I haven’t felt in awhile (the good kind of butterflies, btw) and, there, a seed of happiness inside of me bloomed a little. I smiled like an idiot out in the streets at midnight, because that’s me. Of course, I covered my grin with an umbrella with my head down. And then, “I’d love to capture this on film. Imagine a movie out of it,” thought. And now I’m crying, because I’m feeling this feeling that I have been missing for a long time. Some people would hum in the sunlight. I’m the one who’d hum in the middle of walking in the rain (the heavier the rain, the better as long as I don’t drown or something) and be actually happy about how soaked my clothes are, and the way it ruined my hair. I’d turn the umbrella in a rotation a few times, and keep walking.
I would have thrown my umbrella and just jumped in the rain like in some cliche movie scene and act like a little kid, but I was wearing my headphones and had my phone. Oh.
I got home and everyone was worried and I’m not sure how I’m gonna take another walk because I really prefer walking with everybody not seeing. I guess I’m just insecure. People always just walk with a purpose these days, an actual destination in mind, and I just want to…absorb the scenery and the ambience. Just walk, with no worries. No purpose, no pressure.
I guess this is it. It feels like everybody wants me to do everything for a reason. Everything has to be calculated, from what kind of food I eat to what should be written in a resume. Like I basically have to consider every fucking thing because it’ll be my damn future. Yes, they keep telling me life is precious. I shouldn’t “waste” myself and time.
I feel like I should be sorry for having no particular ambition or goal in life. A lot of people have asked countless times, “What do you wanna be? Goals? Anything SOLID?” And yo, to be honest there is nothing solid. I just wanna be happy. But I’ll tell them something to make them shut up and not tell me off about not having a solid dream like a high paying job or saving lives or a mansion or something.
I’ll tell them I wanna be happy and they’ll just laugh or shake their head because, you know, you can’t be happy if you have no goals. I’m not stupid. I understand your logic. But that is my goal, to find out what makes me happy. Maybe I already found some, but they’re not exactly gonna put food on the table.
Or maybe it’s the way everybody is in a hurry to finish something, while I’m just here, laidback and enjoying the stupid race everybody wants to be first in. I wish everybody would stop asking me what my plans are. Stop pressuring me to Do Something. I just want to enjoy the moment. Fuck you!!!!!!!!!! I WILL HAVE NO REGRETS JUST CHILLING! I HATE MY ANXIETY BECAUSE OF THIS SHITS! IF YOU LOOK AT ME WITH JUDGEMENTAL EYES BECAUSE I HAVEN’T ACCOMPLISHED ANYTHING “SOLID”…
I’m gonna cry like a little kid. But after that I’ll say nothing yet think, “This is what I like. Do you like what you are right now? Because even if I don’t have much, I am contented. I’m not the type to lie to myself. I don’t have to cover myself with riches and wealth and everything else just to mask the sadness. I am genuine. And the things I will do, I will do because it makes me happy. I’m not gonna do anything half-heartedly.”
Right now, I am fine. But damn this anxiety.
1 comment
i hope you feel better! I’m sorry for whats happening