All good gone

My life has just been turned upside down. My doing, my choice, but I don’t like it one bit.
Let’s start with where I was before everything was turned upside down.
I have finally found great friends for the first time in my life. Friends that I can be me around, where I don’t feel judged. I finally got to live the dream of actually living in my beautiful home that I bought ages ago. My surroundings gave me peace – mountains that are so majestic and powerful, the trees calming and the water beautiful. I finally found things to do that I enjoy. I was gifted with an amazing step daughter that I couldn’t be more proud of. This was all in BC, my home. Not where I was born, but where I finally felt like I fit.
Then I got involved in this amazing project that is most likely going to change the world…and I’m not even exaggerating. This project brought me to AB.
I couldn’t leave my home behind so I commuted, 10 days home and 20 in AB. Best of both worlds…kinda.
AB was difficult. I work and live in the same house, with 7 other people. Everyone, of which has a mental illness of some type or another, all extremely intelligent. So, quite stressful. The trips home helped me keep my sanity.
What I didn’t know was that a decision that I didn’t make years ago was going to cause me to loose almost everything. I knew what I had to do from day one, but I was selfish. I met this man, we went on a few dates, I had fun. Then there’s the first kiss…nothing, no butterflies, nothing. But I was having fun and had found a good friend. Four months later he was helping me renovate my dream house to sell it, I had given up on being able to afford living in it. Then his daughter wouldn’t stop talking about how she would LOVE to live there. I saw a chance to actually be able to live in my house…I took it. We agreed on a year trial, since he was going to have to commute an hour to work. Well, that year turned into four.
For four years I tried convincing myself that I didn’t need to be in love with him, that loving him was enough. I thought that I was being judgmental because of a couple of things that we didn’t agree upon, that I just had to break down these walls that I put up, then I would get those butterflies… Then I found more excuses, during my breakdown I couldn’t trust what I was thinking and feeling because I couldn’t even feed myself. And they say when you suffer a great loss (my baby girl (dog) died) you shouldn’t make any huge decisions/changes for at least a year. And then it was “how do I hurt someone who has done absolutely nothing wrong!?” The guilt of not being in love with him, but letting him think so, ate at my soul.
When I avoid making a decision on something that I’m struggling with, this silent voice in my head all of a sudden makes the decision for me. I don’t see it coming, it just happens.
Last week that voice decided for me that I could no longer keep up this charade.
Out of the blue I told him that I love him, admire him and want the world for him, but I am not in love with him.
That was the hardest thing I had ever had to do. I didn’t want it! All I want is to be in love with him and then I could have everything.
But, I don’t. So now I’ve moved into the house full time in AB.
I don’t get to live in my house. I don’t get to do the things I love. I’m very far away from my amazing friends. I don’t get the peace I feel from being up a mountain. And I’ve hurt some very special people.
I’m now stuck in a bedroom with my cat and his litter box.
This project better lead to the greatness that it has the capability to or I’m done. This project better be enough to keep me going, cause I have nothing else. And it’s all my fault.
I’m angry. I want someone to blame, but there’s no one to blame except me. Karma is a *****.