I’m a failure..

Ahh… Where do I even start… I found this site months ago but never paid too much attention to it, only reading a few posts here and there when I was sad and feeling like it couldn’t get any better, then closing the site. Until recently. The past three weeks I live on this site I hardly miss any posts.. Not too sure what else to do with my day when I’m not sleeping.. I tend to ramble on and talk way too much and annoy everybody so I’m hoping I don’t do that here but knowing me I probably will so I’m sorry in advance and don’t expect you to read everything!

my story is so dumb compared to the ones I see on here, I have it easy compared to some, but it doesn’t erase the thoughts and feelings. Bare with me this is a very very simplified story of everything. I will better explain individual things in my next posts so stick around, if you care I don’t even expect anyone to read this it’s mainly for me I guess I don’t know I’m lonely and alone with nowhere to go or no one to go to…

basically ever since the end of my junior year of high school, two years ago, I’ve been on a downward spiral that leads me here.. I have failed in anything and everything I’ve ever done in life. Never had friends, never popular, always the person that people made jokes about and laughed at, the athlete that everybody looked right past cause I sucked, etc… The list never ends. I always found myself happy throughout life. My family and parents support and love for me is unmatched but somehow as I start to really think about my past it just seems to overshadow everything else.. I devoted my whole life to football, 5am mornings to 9pm practice everyday while taking AP classes in high school, so no sleep until 2am everyday after homework, then sleep through class cause my eyes wouldn’t stay open, yet I got nothing at all out of it. Nothing but regret. I met a girl and she changed everything.. She pushed me to be the best person I could be and I fell in love with her. My first girlfriend, first kiss, first love, first everything and I never wanted to experience one second of life without her.. I hated/hate being away from her. She gave up everything for me, EVERYTHING. Her friends, popularity, everything I don’t know she just really loved me, which I wasn’t used to, but little did she know she may later hate herself for her decision.. As senior year was ending and graduation neared, I got really depressed. I realized I failed at high school, failed at everything I did during high school, hated it, and was so scared to graduate and start a new journey that I was scared of and felt like I was gonna fail before I even started. I was and still am scared to grow up. I embarrassed everybody, especially my girlfriend, the love of my life. She was at every game, almost every practice, wearing my number on her shirt, holding posters she made for me, and all of that stuff people dream of having by their side, and I didn’t even touch the field once. Not once. It was the worst feeling ever. She must have been so embarrassed I always felt so bad but it made me so happy seeing her there, by my parents, always supporting even while I was failing over and over and over. People would ask her who was #22 that she was wearing on her shirt cause I was a nobody. Lol. How sad. Yet she was always so proud of me. I would wait and daydream for that kiss after the game the whole time. That was my highlight of every game. She even went to my track and field meets even though I sucked too bad to actually compete. So sad but I loved that she cared so much, I just couldn’t help thinking how embarrassed she must be. She loved me so much and was always proud, she didn’t care about anything else or me not competing. I’ve always been a failure, in anything and everything I did, yet I kept trying cause of this support I had behind me, until I stopped and realized how bad everything was going and how miserable and sad I was. I then started college and about 3 weeks in I withdrew cause I hated it and didn’t know what I wanted and didnt want to spend anymore time away from the people I love, as I did for so long through high school trying to play sports and get straight As in class and what not. As time went on and I got worse mentally, depressed and what not, I started taking it out on the love of my life, the person I cared about more than anything. By getting mad at her, ignoring her, making her feel like I didn’t even like her anymore. She left me in December. Well it was actually a break. (I will explain everything in detail on the next post) we then made it through the break and everything was okay sometime in February, though this changed everything because her parents now hated me for hurting their girl and they couldn’t stand to hear my name. They didn’t let me see her, talk to her, they hated anything and everything even kind of involving me.. She had to keep us talking a secret, which after time came to be so hard.. We kept strong knowing that everything would be okay soon and we would figure everything out soon. But of course, like I always do, i ruin everything and am stupid, I started to hurt her again and make her feel as if this was all her fault and that I didn’t love her anymore or I didn’t want us anymore, out of frustration I guess I don’t know why, which was never the case. I need her and love more than anything in the world. But I failed to show her like I did when we first started dating. i had every chance in the world, she told me over and over how she felt and how she hurt but I just couldn’t find it in me to show her how I really felt inside as I’m so selfish and everybody has always told me that through my life. I hurt her over and over and made her feel so bad and always started fights when inside I knew I didn’t want anything but us to be happy and everything to be okay again. But I just wouldn’t fix things. I love her so much. More than anything. She then left me again at the end of July a few weeks ago, another break to try to fix everything again. But then about a week later she blocked me on everything, my number, social media and all and I’m not sure if that means everything is done or she is trying to take a real break this time to heal everything. But I now feel like I have nothing left, like I’ve given up. I turned 19 on aug. 2 and it was the worst day ever, birthdays are my favorite day ever, and I hated it more than anything and she wasn’t there cause of our break.. I’m pretty sure I lost her for good this time and I don’t know what to do with myself.. She was/is my everything, literally a dream girl that I had by my side, and I couldn’t just care for her like she needed, like I used to when we first started dating. I’m such an idiot. As the days go on I become more and more okay with the idea of not living. To escape the hate I have for myself. I don’t hardly eat anymore I’m unhealthy and losing weight fast from not ever eating, I feel sick constantly, I feel empty. Like nothing at all. A zombie going through the day. How could I hurt the one I love and care for most. I hate myself, honestly. I don’t think I’ll ever commit suicide, cause that just seems so selfish and it terrifies me to be honest. But I think about donating my heart and organs and maybe leaving earth that way. I’m still scared but as the days go I become more and more comfortable with death and the idea of not living, as I feel like I’m already empty and have nothing inside. I know this was long and dumb and made no sense but I will do my best to go into details in my next posts. Hopefully I don’t have to be here much longer. I can’t.