I am nobody.
That is a thought that has been crossing my mind more and more frequently, as I grow more and more certain as to my worthlessness. I have felt the increasing urge to commit suicide, but I cannot summon the gall to complete it, as I am a coward. One other thing prevents me from going through with it, my mother. Yes, cliché really. However, there is reason behind this, my mother is incredibly fragile mentally. She has several disorders, which I have been unlucky enough to be predisposed to. So, I fear that if I end myself, my mother will as well. I know, I am selfish for thinking that I matter that much to anyone that my life could pose some significance on someone’s life, but I just… I’m scared for both her and myself. Myself, because I feel as though I am dissociating from the world more and more as people devalue me into just a brain, which will be explained later, and that one day I may just lose all feeling and end it. Sure, with the summer, these feelings have diminished, but the return of school looms on the horizon, growing closer each moment and with it approaches my emotions of worthlessness and idiocy if I am not perfect. And with three AP classes and two internships, I fear for my mental state.
1 comment
Get a therapist. You talk about being genetically predisposed to many different mental disorders. Bipolar, borderline etc. You have a lot of traumatic emotional triggers and stresses. Living with your grandparents and them dying moving around and changing schools so much, such an unstable and chaotic home life. Other than your mother who is very fragile and unstable herself you have had no one you could depend on. So its no wonder you are withdrawn and emotionally detached. You don’t even mention a father.
You are a smart kid, you aren’t worthless. Worthless is itself is a meaningless and worthless descriptor for any person. How would you objectively measure the worth of a person or the lack of it.
So yea just talk to your mom about it. She sounds like she would be pretty understanding about mental health issues. Just let her know you are struggling with things.