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Sick of it

by Koiffee

I have been eating irregularly for the past week…I don’t eat at all except for dinner (As less as possible) because I can’t avoid it, since I have it with my parents…

 

Now I tried eating an apple and god I feel so nauseous and urgh…Whenever I eat or see someone eat I get this feeling of wanting to throw up but I can’t?? I feel all queasy and I just…

 

I don’t want to get out of bed in the mornings, and I have to…At school I’m just fighting back tears all the time or thinking about suicide or those voices in my head that won’t stop…

The school psychologist told me once that I should see him whenever I felt like I couldn’t cope, but even on my worse worse days I won’t.

I see other people in my class and school who have it so much worse than me, my parents barely fight anymore, I don’t have any extra classes, and yet I still feel this way. I feel worse and worse and I still cut almost every day.

People in my class with divorced parents, or who are having it so much worse than me in every other way right now don’t even break down as easily as me or cut. I am a spoiled rich kid pretending to have a disease.

I am always a disappointment, I have no friends, no one to talk to about this…I just don’t know what to do. I am getting tired of thinking of death every day, some nights even coming to the point of looking up suicide methods on the internet and making ideations and plans while I cry myself to sleep.

I am so sick of being useless, of wasting money from my parents, on wasting people’s time and hurting others…I am just so tired of being that one spoiled rich whiny kid.

I am just so tired of myself.

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4 comments

rocketman 8/18/2016 - 9:02 pm

Well stop it! it’s up to you to control your thoughts, it’s not good to over do anything especially thought’s of killing yourself, we all have though thoughts, you have to change the channel, do things against the grain, prove to yourself gee i’m not all the bad? i’m trying! even the scales, give yourself a chance! you are what you think about, stop thinking of only that! šŸ™‚

tragedyofjohn 8/18/2016 - 9:32 pm

Yeah, My life is dogshit as well. And if you are hearing voices you should go to the hospital

anhedonic apathy 8/19/2016 - 12:44 am

It doesn’t really matter what you have or don’t have. It matters what you think about what you have or don’t have. Shakespeare wrote there is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.

It sounds like your thoughts are that you are useless, a waste of time and money. That you don’t deserve any of the things you have. You are filled with shame and guilt so instead of being able to enjoy the things you have, having them just makes you feel more guilty. That shame and guilt made you depressed. You feel like you don’t deserve to be depressed though. You feel like your life is too good. So that just makes you even more gulity and ashamed, especially when you constantly compare yourself to other people that you believe have much more difficult lives. Depression just makes you feel more ashamed and more guilty.

Maybe that is why you don’t eat, you feel like you don’t deserve food. That your food should go to starving kids in africa or something that someone else deserves food more. Maybe you like to cut as a way of punishing yourself.

That all starts with your parents though. They may provide for you financially, but i am sure they are quite lacking in other areas.

LostBat 8/19/2016 - 11:24 pm

Man, not that I’m gonna make any useful comment here… but I just saw myself on what u wrote. I’m pretty much the same… probably just older and more f**ked up, but yeah. Sorry for the useless comment and bad language.

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