There was a time when I swore I was truly and completely in love with the guy who was my best friend. He was smart and funny and all these great things. At some point in our relationship he started to belittle me and say how dumb I was in comparison to him how unsuccessful I was compared to him. He was a math teacher and math was my worst subject ever. And yet I chose to study to be just that I am majoring in education with a minor in mathematics and I’ll be graduating in may. I have been teaching math and I’m living the life of an educator. It just so happens that the school I’m at happens to be next to the school my ex taught at. I’ve cried because I think of all the stupid fights we would have and how I didn’t ever try to understand him. Now I do understand him and I feel what I imagine he felt. I sit here and its like I’m living a replica of his life. Like is this really what I WANTED or was all this just to prove that I was capable of doing everything he said I couldn’t?! I don’t want him back of that I’m sure, I think this is just all residual emotions. I feel empty, I don’t go out with anyone. I don’t really talk to my friends or family as much mainly just a few. I have the hardest time getting out of bed in the mornings like really and truly it’s like pulling teeth. I don’t feel sad but when I think about it my actions seem like I’m sad. Who could blame me though? My favorite aunt passed away this march, my brother got diagnosed with cancer, my job unjustly fired me like I swear I try my best to be ok in spite of it all but I don’t feel ok I guess not sure how to describe how I feel aside from in between.
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2 comments
I’m sorry to hear about your aunt and brother, that’s tough. Good for you in being a teacher. If you enjoy it and you make enough money you should continue, but if not it isn’t too late to search for other career options.
I don’t talk to anyone either really except for one ‘best friend’ with whom I’ve been romantically involved, but sadly that hasn’t been going well lately. First we’re making plans to go to Hawaii together this winter, next we’re arguing and not exactly on the best terms. Oh joy. (Maybe it was the full moon this week.)
Anyway, my point is that sometimes life is good, and sometimes it completely sucks, so we have to make the most out of every moment and improve things where we can.
He was emotionally abusive and I think it’s common to still feel the pain of his words. He sounds like he was very insecure and found that putting you down helped him feel better about himself but I’m just speculating.
I’ve dealt with a emotionally abusive parent so I can understand how you can start to question yourself because of the abuse. I’m truly sorry about your aunt and your brother. I applaud you for staying strong but you may want to focus on your health at the moment and see if you could perhaps receive some counseling if you aren’t at the moment. A lot of tough situations were thrown your way and handling all of it on your own might make things worse.
I wish you well.