So, I’m not sure when I feeling all this sadness, all I know is that it has plagued me for years now. I know that when the world sees *my name*, they see happy-go-lucky, funny, goofy kid. I’m pretty good at the act by now, after all. I know it isn’t fair to claim my life isn’t worth it, but I can’t help but feel hopeless anymore. Somewhere along the way, something switched in my brain and I feel overwhelmed with sadness all the time. For the past few years I’ve felt less and less at home wherever I am until now where I feel like I don’t even belong on this planet anymore. Sure, there has been plenty of distractions along the way. And memories I hold dear cause they made me forget about everything, even if it was for just a moment. I feel so lost anymore though and all my distractions are gone and I feel like I’m drowning every moment of the day. I want to just fall asleep and never wake up. I’m not brave enough to take that next step though. Maybe it’s for the best. There are so many things I held dear and where are they now? Where are those things to distract me again? To make me put down the razors and to get these thoughts of suffocating myself out of my head? Where did everyone go? When did I grow up and lose my friends, my family, my love. When did I end up at a college I hate? When did I start feeling so worthless? Why, when there are so many other deserving people, did I have to end up being so unhappy. Why? Why? Why? I always ask. My head is filled with questions nonstop. I can’t stand it anymore. Please make it end. Please make the feeling of suffering just go away? Why can so many people smile and be genuine, but my smiles have to be fake. Why do people get to follow their dreams and I have to sacrifice mine? Why don’t I have those talents others get so easily? Did I roll a bad hand of dice like this is some kind of sick game? I just don’t understand what’s the point anymore. I don’t belong here. I’m not wanted. I don’t have any purpose. Sure, I could get through college really easily. It’s no problem. But what’s after that? The only reason I held on in high school is cause people always told me things get better? What’s better about this? I have lost so much. Sacrificed so much to get here and now that I am, it’s worse than it was. I owe a lot to people though. You’ve all helped me a lot. Possibly prolonged an inevitable fate, but for that you deserve some sort of recognition.
Mom: It isn’t fair to do this to you, I know. You’ve worked so hard to make a good life for Hannah and I and now that she’s gone off the deep end, I am supposed to be the “sane one”. The one who keeps you grounded. You are so admirable though. You love unconditionally, you’ve given me a life better than I have ever deserved, and you give me hope when there isn’t any. Now that I’ve grown up though and I’m farther away than I’d like to be from you, I feel so hopeless. Call me a momma’s boy, cause I am. I love you so much mom. Please forgive me. I don’t want you to let this stop you from changing the world so positively like you always have. It doesn’t matter what has happened in the past, you’re an amazing person now. A smart, strong, amazing mom and I don’t think anyone has the right to say anything else about it.
Dad: I wished we had never grown apart, but again, you get older and there is only enough time for so much. I always think of the song “Cat’s in Cradle” when I think of us, dad. I know you didn’t want to leave us and it wasn’t anyone’s fault so I don’t blame you for what happened. Some of my fondest memories were spent shooting rifles and pistols with you. I always thought you were kind of like a mad scientist reloading your bullets. You spent so much money on that just because that is how we bonded. I know it isn’t your strong suit, but you always encouraged me, especially when we were out in the old barn shooting together. I regret not being closer with you dad. I hate myself for it really. Thanks for being there for me when you could, though. I love you.
Grandparents: Grandma, grandpa, you guys truly are amazing. You’re story of young love is such a good one. I wished I were a better writer because it’d make an amazing novel. You raised three wonderful daughters that each have made a special impact on my life. All those years I spent in PA really had me grow away from you, but now we’re closer again and you guy’s health isn’t the best anymore so it really makes me regret not spending more time with you. Thanks for taking me skiing when I was little and all the fun Christmas’s together were always great. I love you guys so much.
Great aunts: (Jane, MA, Bob, Don) You guys really are a unique group and now that I’m growing older and you guys are too, I want to be able to spend time with you, but life always gets in the way. I know that isn’t a good excuse for why I’ve been so estranged all these years, but I promise, I do still think of you guys. I love spending Christmas in the old Lucarell mansion of yours. Thanks for everything guys, I love you.
Aunts: (Renee and Chrissy) You guys are like mothers to me as well. I wished we could all live in a big beach house like we did when I was little with all the cousins and family together again. Those times were so much fun. You were always there for me and all the kids too so thank you. Aunt Chris, you’re such a great person. You’re really inspirational to me and I wished you didn’t live so far away. I really miss you all the time. Aunt Renee, I didn’t realize how much I loved you until you were almost taken from me. I spent so much time at your house in the past and you always have worked so hard to be the best you could be. I wished I were as strong as you both.
Bobby: Thanks for being my true lifelong friend man. It’s been real. All those hours we spent playing games at one another’s houses. All those lightsaber battles we had. All those fun times when things were so simple for us both. Now we’re both growing up and we aren’t as close as we once were, but man, I still love you. It’s cool how we finally are united again. I wished we could have more simple memories like we did when we were kids, but life is only so long and we’re only getting older. Thanks man, keep it real.
Matt: You’re like a brother to me honestly. I hate that we’re so far away now. You’re making a life for yourself though, so I can’t be too mad. I’m so fucking jealous of you though. You’re so funny and smart and I know you’re gonna make it life. You’ll get the model wife and a big house with all the cool electronics and everything else. Still though, I love you man. You really are one of my closest friends and I wished I’d known you longer. Keep working hard man. Do it for me.
Ian, Mason, Zack: It isn’t fair to lump you guys together, but really a lot of the memories I have of us is as a group. I feel like we aren’t complete when there isn’t just two of us. It’s gotta be the whole group to have a good time. To Mason, please go to college man, or a trade school or anything. At least give it a shot. I know you’ll do fine there and really like it too. To Ian, I really think you should look into a trade school too. Some kind of graphic or sound design. I know that’s what you want to do so don’t let life get in the way. Just work hard man. Don’t be lazy. To Zack, more than anything I want to see you enjoy the airforce. I want you to be able to travel the world man. I know you aren’t really the emotional type, but I know travelling is a dream of yours, so do it. No matter the cost.
Abby: Thanks for being my girlfriend for almost a year. You truly are an amazing girl, Abby. I still have a lot of love for you in my heart and I know you’ve moved on, but please don’t forget me. Even if I’m gone, remember my name at least. My mom always tries to tell me, “You’ll find the right girl someday” and I think that I did. Sure, there will be other girls maybe at some point, but they won’t be you. Thanks for being my rock for my senior year. I opened up a lot to you and you saw my dark side a bit more than anyone else on this list. You noticed when I had scars on my wrists when no one else even cares to look. Keep being that sweet, caring girl Abby. Forever and ever. And this isn’t your fault so please don’t think that.
To all: I probably won’t ever take that next step, but this helps me feel better. I’m trying to find the good things in life, I promise, but I just don’t see them anymore. Please, anyone, help me find them. Sure, there are distractions, but I want to feel alive again. I hardly eat anymore. I never want to wake up. I waste all my time on video games and anime anymore because they keep my mind off it all. It’s never been this bad. I want to give up. I want to fall asleep and wake up as someone else. Or just not at all. I have no right to be angry at the world, but I am. I’m so upset all the time, but I can still smile. I can put on a fake face. I can drink burning liquor and feel good for a bit. I can play games and watch shows and feel good for a bit. It’s all in vain though. Where do I belong? Why am I here? God? Doesn’t everyone have a purpose? I just don’t get life. Please try to understand me, I know I’m not the worst off. In fact, I’m quite well off, so why do I feel this way? Is it something wrong with me? I’ll try to live for as long as I can, I guess. But I don’t know how much longer I can appear strong. Or even just happy. I’ve been looking in the mirror for the past few weeks and I never look happy. Ever. I’ll keep trying. I will. At least for a bit.
-Erik
10 comments
Most of your last paragraph, reminds me of myself…. man.. Let me tell you, you have all those people in your life, don’t let them down. It sounds like you really care for them, and I’m sure they feel the same to you. You mentioned a lot of regrets for each of them, fufil those regrets, maybe then you will find the answer you need. Also, this girl… you sound uncertain if she has moved on. Reach out to her man, do it do it do it, even if it just results in a friendship, it sounds like you really care for her. HOLD ON TO THAT, and even if she has moved on, there’s no way she has just stopped caring for you. I don’t have the answer for you, but maybe my words can point your thoughts in the right direction. Keep holding friend, keep holding.
I know that she’s moved on. She’s told me. You know, the classic breakup. Boy goes to college, girl is still in highschool, things don’t work out. If I had held on a bit harder to her maybe she would have stayed? I hate it.
I see…
I’d still tell you to reach out to her though. Whatever makes you feel better, and who knows, maybe a good friendship can come out of it.
Ten years. Ten years it took me to get to the point in my life where I could think of him and not flush and become lightheaded. Ten years. There was something about him that made me complete. He walked away from me. Broke it off cleanly. I don’t blame him either. I was an unstable mess of anger and joy. I would have walked away too. But it left me with an ache that hurt. Like being stabbed and the knife just stayed there for ten years.
It doesn’t get better, it just gets different, and tolerable. Things change over the course of breathing in and out. Daily, walking forward in life until one day I looked back and saw who I was but I could breath. He is still with me, that wonderful feeling, I can recall it same as the smell of salt at the ocean when I was young, but now it’s okay. It’s not better, it’s not worse, it is okay.
Keep walking forward. Take peoples hands that are walking forward and move with them when you can. The more I walk, the easier it gets.
But there isn’t anyone to walk with anymore.. I mean, I’ll still try, but I’m alone in the world anymore..
Hey…
Try making connections; get reconnected with those people who you care about that seem to be more distant now.
What, if anything, gives you happiness besides alcohol?
I know that doesn’t solve much…but I hope it’s a start.
I am sorry for the late reply, but what you said sounds like something that I would (and have) written about myself. For me, until very recently, I came across as the funny, happy guy in social interactions. But as things have degraded for me to the point where I can hardly move anymore, and every conversation with someone else is painfully difficult and energy-consuming, I am no longer even able to keep up much of a facade that I am okay. I try a little, maybe just enough to prevent people from worrying too much about me, but I can’t seem to care enough to devote any more energy than that. Some days, my good ones, I manage by distracting myself with some fantasy of an escape that could maybe make things better for me. In these lovely moments, I actually feel okay. But, as those quickly fade, I am left with the same misery and hopelessness that I have known for years. Like you, I don’t know if I will be able to take the next (and final) step, as whenever I get close to making the decision to end it, I always manage to convince myself to hold on for just a little longer, to let the universe give me that elusive excuse to stay. If you want someone to walk with, even if only via an online connection, I would love to walk with you for a little while.
Man, you made me tear up. It wouldn’t hurt just to talk. We both need it…
I could certainly use an ear, and would be happy to lend one as well. Though, considering I am likely no better/higher than you, so my input on beating the universe at its tortuous game is likely to be pretty minimal. You can contact me at sacrificial _ shaun @ yahoo . com (delete all of the spaces between characters).
Alternatively, you can add me on Skype at Sean-MIT-Cambridge
I would really like to hear from you if you would like to talk.