I’m at the lowest point of my life, despite only being eighteen years of age. For years I’ve struggled with severe suicidal depression, but I had friends, house parties to go to, and the ability to put smiles on people’s faces to distract me from the lingering pain that swelled in my heart.
I don’t have any of that now. I’ve been alone for months dwelling on my insignificance as a human.
I don’t have value anymore, I don’t have anything…I only desire to cease existing in an endeavor to suffice a swift end to this horrendous emptiness that lurks within me…I’m not particularly intelligent, my confidence lacks, my anxiety hinders, and I have the drive of a corpse to keep pushing through life.
I’ve educated myself on how to do it. I know where to go for my final moments therefore no person has to be scarred from finding me. I know to tell everyone I loved them, and that none of this was their wrongdoing just to ease their suffering so they know not to feel guilt.
I feel the chapter closing to an end… I just don’t know if this is the inevitable to the book of my life.
3 comments
well at least i can tell you lived more than i did , despite the fact that we are both 18 , and i am sorry to hear about all of this … and i hope you find peace , one way or another .
I’m 20. This describes how I feel. I desire to cease existing. I feel exhausted, empty, no motivation for anything. I hope you find peace and I hope I find a way out of it soon.
I am 22 and just started at a new school (for grad studies), and I am feeling this chapter close as well. I have had suicidal thoughts and intentions since I was 11, but thought that things were manageable until about a year ago, and things managed to get way worse this summer. The one thing that kept me going, giving me an excuse to stay for one more hour (or day, etc.) has ceased to exist in the form that it was before. My mind keeps trying to keep me going on that same excuse, and I want to believe it, but after this summer, I don’t know if I can anymore. I just wish that the ebb and flow would finally stop and let me think clearly again, and make the decision to stay or go without any remorse. If the excuse that I have been using since I was 15 isn’t right for me to be using, or isn’t right for me to have, then I wish that it would just finally leave me so that I can make my decision to go, since without that one thing, I have no desire to stay. If you decide that this is that last chapter for you, I hope that you can find peace in whatever form you believe to exist. Also, if you would like to talk to someone in a similar mindset, you can email me at sacrificial_shaun @ yahoo.com (delete the spaces), if you would like to.