It doesn’t ever get better does it? I’ve been feeling like this for 6 years and I keep trying to tell myself things will get better. They don’t. It feels like the world is constantly falling apart and rebuilding itself around me. Every time it rebuilds it looks bigger and better it seems like it’ll finally be the thing that makes me happy. Then, more spectacularly than before, it crumbles. It crumbles suddenly and wholly. I don’t think I can handle any more of these demolitions of my life.
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Maybe -everything- won’t get better. Life often isn’t perfect. But perhaps one thing, or a few things, will indeed get better. If something in particular isn’t getting better, try not to let it blind you from some of the positive stuff that might be happening.
I can’t say that it never gets better because I have only known one reality; for things never actually getting better except for a moment here and there that simply fade into oblivion. I try to distract myself continuously, doing anything that forces my mind to be busy thinking about something besides misery and the desire to end it all. But I have found that absolutely everything wears off, and almost everything fades the very instant that it is no longer at the very front of my mind. Thus, my excuses to stay, my excuses to keep trying to find that one reason to keep me going, never last. For me, the only things that last are the negative and inescapable thoughts. I am 22 now and first tried to kill myself when I was eleven. I was okay for a couple of years in the middle, but I have felt about the way that I do now for about 7 years now. I don’t know if it ever ends not in death, but I don’t know that I will have enough energy to see the day if I make it that far, anyway.
As horrible as it sounds, it can get even worse. It has no limits. Every rock bottom is just a fake floor that will eventually cave in and send you down further than you could have ever imagined. That’s why, even though I haven’t been able to solve this problem myself, I believe it is crucial to keep trying even if it’s futile, to do absolutely everything, so at the very least you have proof that you’re the victim that is being tormented, and to hopefully slow down the descent. The universe has absolutely no reason to destroy your life if you are doing your best. If it keeps doing this, then it’s sadistic and evil and should be regarded as such. It will not be your fault anymore.