I wake up every morning and live a normal life. I go to class, I work, I see friends. I am a provider of more jokes than anyone else. Every day I feel like I’m trapped in a happy go lucky persona that I’ve created as a cover for how I feel. No one ever sees how much everything hurts and at first that’s how I wanted things. Now I just feel alone, more alone than when I started thinking about ending it.
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I totaly feel you. And you just can’t tell this to any of your friends…somehow you just can’t…
I can totally relate… but you really need someone to speak about it in person. The best would be a psychiatrist or a counselor. Because if you don’t start changing your life this will slowly eat you up. And believe me… especially thoughts about suicide become stronger and stronger.
MR. HAPPY GUY, I think you may be confused? i think you make jokes because you want to make people laugh, not to create a cover, i think you may not be happy who is? but you tell jokes to make other’s smile, you probably have a little entertainer in your blood? we are all alone aren’t we in the end? i say keep on doing what you enjoy making people laugh and smile, remember that everyone is really alone really how could we not be? one brain one body, we can collect friends and lovers but they all disappear sooner or later.
I can see what you’re trying to do with your post. Hope you understand many people here feel unheard. Hopw you also understand that many people here feel devalued. There are few better ways to accomplish both than to tell them what they meant. You’re the one that’s confused. Good intentions don’t provide a passport to do what you’ve done.
Hey Happy guy. Thanks for sharing. Your story rings so familiar. Your mask sounds like it’s become your prison. Reading your story, I felt isolated, powerless, and stuck. I felt very sad. Can I ask what keeps you going?
As far as what keeps me going? Sometimes I don’t really know, recently I was beginning an attempt and before I really started I just stopped. I’d like to answer your question but I don’t really know. My best guess is my younger brother. Knowing how disappointed in me he would be keeps me going.
Your story rings so familiar TheHappyGuy that your post could be one of mine!
Thanks for what you wrote. I feel like that too…I do like that too…isn’t easy at all! An endless vicious circle…
:/