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So…

by Ylem

Been a while. Shit has been happening.

I’m the most negative person I know. I mean, things should be better. I should be feeling better. I should be happy. I am happy, I think. But… There is always a but.

There are voices in my head. Sometimes they are completely quiet, other times it’s like they are screaming. Shouting. Yelling. Even with all the yelling, I can always hear one clearly. End it. End it. It always whispers. Even when all the others are silent. It’s always there. End it.

A month ago the voices got really intense. I was completely psychotic. I can barely even remember the things I did and said. But I did and said a lot of shit. I tried to kill myself multiple times. Stupid methods of course. And I apparently told my entire family about my suicide attempts. All of them. I told them about my self-harm. When it started and why I do it. Told them about my plans to die soon. My parents decided not to take me to the psych ward around that time. I was on suicide watch at home. I still am. I’m always on suicide watch. Always inspected for new cuts and shit…

I should be happy. Why am I not?

Even with all this shit, I’m still passing my classes. I don’t even know how that is happening but it is. Only two months before I get my degree. I know where I’ll be working next year. A lot of good shit is happening, but I still don’t feel okay.

I am nothing but trouble. I hurt the people I care most about.

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9 comments

theWhispersOfMySins 9/15/2016 - 6:07 am

Ylem it is good to see you. Even if you are hurting the ones you love, you’d hurt them worse with your death. Lean on them. Let them help you. You are amazingly strong to have gone through the pain you have and still you keep going. You are even still passing classes! That takes strength and courage and hope to keep going. Please don’t give up.

Ylem31 9/15/2016 - 6:44 am

Keep going Ylem, keep going. I’m so weak. So so weak. But I’m not planning on killing myself anytime soon. I’m not really suicidal right now. Just in pain.

theWhispersOfMySins 9/15/2016 - 6:48 am

You are not weak. You may feel that way but you are not. I am sorry you are hurting. I am around if you need someone to listen. Hugs.

Ylem31 9/15/2016 - 7:03 am

Thank you. I do feel I whine a lot though.

theWhispersOfMySins 9/15/2016 - 7:10 am

Talking things out in order to feel better or just to clarify things in your own mind is not whining. Sharing the load when you feel weak is a way to help you find your strength again. I don’t mind listening at all. If it makes you feel better then oneday you can return the favour when I am having a rough time and need to talk. My email is my username at ho tmail c om

Ylem31 9/15/2016 - 7:23 am

I tried sharing the load with people I thought cared but they fucked me the ass. But then again… people here are different to people irl

theWhispersOfMySins 9/15/2016 - 7:27 am

I have no way to fuck you over. Idk who you really are. I don’t know your name or anything like that. But I understand the distrust. The choice is up to you. You can email anytime. Doesn’t have to be today.

whiskered-fish 9/15/2016 - 8:09 am

Hello again, Ylem. I’m sorry to hear about all of this. It hurts my heart to read it.

As far as I know…Depression (and mental illness in general) doesn’t need to have a reason. Things can be going wonderfully, and suicidal people will usually still be suicidal. Buried pain tends to fester. It doesn’t just go away when your external environment starts getting better. And you have a lot of buried pain.

Ylem31 9/15/2016 - 10:02 am

Yeah I kinda ran away after making that other post.
Hi Kat.

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