Been a while. Shit has been happening.
I’m the most negative person I know. I mean, things should be better. I should be feeling better. I should be happy. I am happy, I think. But… There is always a but.
There are voices in my head. Sometimes they are completely quiet, other times it’s like they are screaming. Shouting. Yelling. Even with all the yelling, I can always hear one clearly. End it. End it. It always whispers. Even when all the others are silent. It’s always there. End it.
A month ago the voices got really intense. I was completely psychotic. I can barely even remember the things I did and said. But I did and said a lot of shit. I tried to kill myself multiple times. Stupid methods of course. And I apparently told my entire family about my suicide attempts. All of them. I told them about my self-harm. When it started and why I do it. Told them about my plans to die soon. My parents decided not to take me to the psych ward around that time. I was on suicide watch at home. I still am. I’m always on suicide watch. Always inspected for new cuts and shit…
I should be happy. Why am I not?
Even with all this shit, I’m still passing my classes. I don’t even know how that is happening but it is. Only two months before I get my degree. I know where I’ll be working next year. A lot of good shit is happening, but I still don’t feel okay.
I am nothing but trouble. I hurt the people I care most about.