Doctors

Doctors are useless. They look at me as if I’m crazy ,as if I’m not worthy of their time. They question why I do the things I do. I run. I run from things. Literally. I don’t know why it’s just what I do.They look confused at me as if I’m the biggest freak and weirdo they have ever saw. They referred me to someone. A Counsellor….I feel as if they are more useless. I can’t speak my feelings I can’t voice them verbally. I go into baby mode and mumble and stutter my words while a stranger stares at me like I’m a freak. I give up and say “I don’t know”,  “I can’t explain” or “I’m Sorry”. You are told to always go and speak to someone and after all these years I finally tried. It didn’t help. I feel more alienated than ever and feel so trapped with my thoughts. I wish I could talk clear of how I feel instead of constantly being misunderstood. They told my dad today. He is mad. The school phoned. They are concerned and nosey. My one and only wish was that nobody would know I didn’t want anyone to know. I didn’t  want to be looked at as a charity case or a freak. I want everyone to see me as normal and not as different. Everyone starting to know now. It’s spreading. I’m scared. My mum is going out. I want to take the medicine. I can’t swallow tablets however I could crush them. I can’t do this anymore. Doctors who don’t help. Nosey people. Angry family. I don’t want this. All I wanted was to be understood and “fixed” some how, but I guess there is no recovery to this. I want to be alone. I want to be gone.