Why must I keep living this lie, why can no one see the pain in my eyes. When they ask how I am why can’t they see the “good” is code for I’m falling apart. Why can’t I escape, there’s nothing I can do. Hes got me tangled in his web of deceit and pain. So many people think he is an amazing guy, its my fault I tell them how amazing he is. If only they knew the truth or could see the monster hiding under all of those layers of polished personality. My true hell is in his arms along with my entire world. Why do I depend on him so much, why do I seek his praise. I don’t need it but without it I know I can’t survive. I don’t feel like I’m a victim, I don’t think that I have any kind of stockholm syndrome. I want him to see my heart and know that I love him deeply. If only my best was good enough, if only he could see the pain in my soul. I guess I’ve always been good at hiding it, he doesn’t need to know, he doesn’t need the stress. He will never see me cry, not because I can’t but because I won’t. He enjoys my tears and knowing that he cause them, its like he feeds off it. To apologize is to submit completely, it doesn’t mean anything unless your on your knees proving you mean it. Words are never enough, it requires action, begging for forgiveness or breaking something precious. Why can’t I leave, good question, I can’t leave him. He needs me and no one else can put up with his needs like I can. He would be lost without me, and its my fault I’ve made him dependant upon me, if I left he wouldn’t survive. Its all my fault, he said if he knew I was leaving we would all die together. Love means being together forever no matter what. He’s my one and only someone and he knows that I will never replace him because I can’t. No one would find my inner beauty like he can…. or so he says. I can’t look because that would be a betrayal and I couldn’t bear lying to him like that. I guess I’ll just keep saying Im good when Im really not, and saying hes the best husband a girl could want, when obviously its not true.
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3 comments
Have the two of you been in any romantic relationships before this one?
It sounds like you both need counseling, if you really want to stay together maybe you should try couples therapy.
Leaving each other for someone else won’t solve your problems, you’ll act very similarly in any other relationship, because you are likely both dealing with a lot of unresolved issues and perhaps past trauma, which you take out on each other. (My non-professional opinion.) If you go to counseling then at least you might begin to understand your feelings and behavior.
We have been in relationships prior to this one. My ex was abusive and that’s why I left him. As for my husband he was the one that was abusive in the beginning but then they both got abusive and would cheat on each other. We were both single for over a year before we started dating
Well, so of course you both know that you could find someone else if you tried… but if you’re afraid of experiencing the same abuse and codependency over and over, you both need to figure out *why* you act this way. That’s why I’m hoping couples therapy/a marriage counselor might be able to help. No one should have to live in misery – relationships are supposed to bring you joy, comfort, and support.
If your husband truly cares he will want to try this and improve things between you two.
If he refuses, then you have to leave him. Your happiness is more important than that of a toxic p.artner’s.