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What is wrong with me?

by Ylem

I don’t give a shit about anything. Nothing at all. I mean, not a flying fuck in the world. I seem to have given up on myself. On all that I’ve been working for my whole life, and I’m right about to cross the finish line. I have messed up a lot of shit. Shit I don’t even know how I’m going to rectify.

I mean right now I should be in class, but here I am, sitting in the computer lan, reading posts on here and watching a movie. I mean COME ON YOU DUMB FUCK. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER ALREADY. And I’m lying to my mom. I haven’t been to school in like two weeks. I tried to kill myself three times this week. I’m a fuck up at that too.

Ugh! What have I done with my life?!

Maybe there is just one thing good that I’ve done. Come on Ylem be positive for a change!! I went to church…yew. Ylem and church. I get chills just thinking about it. Ma dragged me there. But the guy there spoke some sense and it was as if he was speaking to me directly. Not preaching. It was more like a motivational speech and shit.

I’ve made it this far. It’s been a long and hard road, but I’m here. I’m still here. I woke up this morning, dragging myself out of bed. Actually… Ma dragging me out of bed. God that lady loves me. She already had a bath ready for me. Was making me breakfast and my lunchbox. We fought yesterday. I cried. We cried. We talked. I apologized because I was in the wrong. I cut and she saw and got mad and wanted to take my phone away blah blah blah… But I love her. She loves me. So much. So so so so much. God damn that woman fucking loves me. Not just me. All of her babies. All eight of us. Equally. And she takes good care of us. All of us. What can I say, I’m a mama’s *****. When I’m in a pain, the voices in my head screaming and making my head hurt like a son of a ***** and I’m crying, I shut my ears hard and yell Mama! So yah. That’s that.

Anyway… I still got no motivation whatsoever. At least I’m not motivated to tie a knot either. So I’m hanging around for a while. Pun very much intended

Where was I even going with this? I got no frickin idea. I’ve never made a post like this. A part of me is sad and one is happy and giddy and shit… I’ll stop there.

Ylem Fucking Out!!

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6 comments

nepheliad 10/7/2016 - 5:42 am

Well, it sounds like you care about your mom, so I don’t think you can quite say, “I don’t give a shit about anything at all,” right?

I hope you can soldier on and get through this and attend classes again (is it grad school for you now)? Or if you really can’t, then maybe withdraw and return at a later time when you feel emotionally ready. It’s okay to take “holidays” to help recover in your mental health.

Ylem31 10/7/2016 - 12:01 pm

I think I need to clear my head a bit. Take a break. Just cant afford one though. So I really have to start going to class again. Otherwise I’ll fail.

Forevertorn 10/7/2016 - 9:55 am

I have read your posts. Ylem. You seem like a very interesting person I’d love to talk with you over email only if you allow.
Thanks

Ylem31 10/7/2016 - 11:59 am

Yeah we can talk. Ylemfree @ gmail.com
Send me a message anytime

Forevertorn 10/7/2016 - 1:04 pm

Thanks ! 🙂

justscribbles 10/8/2016 - 1:59 am

You might never succeed killing yourself. So it’s better that you start catching up with classes.

You don’t seem to be hearing things inside your head or seeing things that’s not really there, so you still have hope. And some one loves you dearly in this world.

It maybe overwhelming thinking ahead, but just get one foot in front of another, that I’m sure you can do, you’ll end up back in class.

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