Why am I even trying? Why do I keep telling myself that if I can make it another day, bit yhe problem is, even when I do make it to the next day, it doesn’t mean that anything has gotten better. Nothing has improved. My attitude has not improved, I haven’t become a stronger person, I haven’t gotten any hetter. I’m in the same spot in life that I was yesterday and the day before that.
I haven’t done anything to increase my self worth, despite my try-hard attempts. No one is proud of me. I’m not even proud of me. I’m so utterly ashamed in the failure I have become that I can’t even anonymously admit to some of the things I’ve fucked up.
I try repeatedly to do the right thing, but all I end up doing is pissing everyone off. I try to take the moral high ground and assume everyone has some not-evil reason for doing something, only to realize just how wicked and evil I really am. No one will ever understand any of this. I’m probably just metaphorically yelling this all into the open air that is the internet.
How dare I say that no one will understand! I am truly a self-righteous narcissist; I honestly think that I’m special to some degree. I am so conceited and self-centered that I honestly believe that I deserve to live! Do you know how fucking awful I am? I am shit! I am the dog shit you accidentally step in and immediately want to get rid of.
I don’t deserve to exist with all these other people. I am the shit in the pond that ruins the water for everyone. Do I honestly think that people fucking want me?
I want to end it all, but I’m too much of a fucking coward. I hate me! I want to die! I don’t want to be here! I don’t want to keep fucking everything up for everyone! Stop! Stop it! Just stop fucking existing! Why is nothing this easy? Why can’t I have balls enough to just continually bash my head into the wall until I am dead or have caused enough brain damage to myself that I am not conscious?
I DON’T WANT TO FUCKING LIVE! KILL ME! I DON’T DESERVE THIS LIFE! ANYONE DESERVES BETTER THINGS THAN I DO! I HAVE RUINED MY OWN LIFE AND I AM AWFUL AND I AM WASTEFUL AND I AM LAZY AND IMPATIENT AND RUDE AND SELFISH AND JUST ALL-AROUND TERRIBLE! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! NO ONE ON THIS DAMNED PLANET DEAERVES TO LIVE LESS THAN YOU DO, YOU WORTHLESS PILE OF DOG SHIT! FUCK YOU! YOU HAVE WSTED EVERY FUCKING OPPORTUNITY THERE WAS TO MAKE YOURSELF BETTER BECAUSE YOU ARE TOO WORTHLESS TO DO ANYTHING! NOBODY LOVES YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE SHIT! FUCK YOU!
YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY YOUR FAMILY HATES YOU? I DON’T KNOW, MAYBE BECAUSE YOU’RE AN AWFUL HUMAN BEING WHO KEEPS RUINING THEIR LIVES! YOU KNOW DAMN WELL THAT IF YOU HAD NEVER BEEN BORN, THEN YOUR FAMILY WOULDN’T HAVE HALF THE PROBLEMS THEY HAVE NOW! YOU ARE THE REASON THEY ARE IN DEBT! YOU ARE THE REASON YOUR FAMILY HATES EACH OTHER AND IS FALLING APART! YOU ARE THE REASON YOUR FAMILY MIGHT DIE! IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO THEM, YOU KNOW DAMN WELL THAT IT’S YOUR FAULT!
STILL THINK IT’S A GOOD IDEA TO STAY THE FUCK ALIVE, BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE DOES! FUCKING GET OUT OF MY FUCKING LIFE YOU PIECE OF DOG SHIT! NO ONE WILL EVER FUCKING LOVE YOU, NOT EVEN YOUR FAMILY WHOSE SOLE JOB IT IS TO LOVE YOU! YOU ARE AN UNLOVEABLE FUCK! YOU ARE THE ONLY UNLOVEABLE FUCK IN THIS ENTIRE EXISTENCE! FUCK YOU, DOG SHIT! FUCK YOU!
1 comment
A lot of what you said sounds eerily familiar to me.