Hey guys. I just need some advice. I tried to get an appointment with my therapist but I couldn’t get one till next week. I figured I would just ask people here because I need these thoughts out of my head.
My mom is cheating on my dad, and my dad doesn’t know, but I do. I think it has been going on for about a month, but I finally saw proof last night. I feel kind of obligated to tell him but I don’t know if I should or not. Tomorrow is my birthday, and my grandparents are supposed to be coming over. My cousin wants to come too. This feels like a really bad time to say something, but then I think why would I want to make things easier for her? Why not just out her now?
I feel really really guilty when I see my dad though. The guilt is eating me alive. He has been in such a good mood, I would hate to ruin that. And I am SO anxious. I found out Sunday. Then, I spent most of Monday freaking out. I had to work but I couldn’t concentrate at all. When I got home I had a really bad panic attack and then just felt super anxious the rest of the night. Dizzy, vomiting, aches, heart palpitations, everything.
I think that if I had a husband that was cheating on me I would leave him. I know I would. And I think I would expect the same from my dad. And that is really scary to me. And then I start thinking about how we would have to sell the house and move again, and I am finally starting to feel comfortable in this house. Every single family that lived in this house before, ended up getting a divorce and moving out. Maybe this is just a coincidence.
I am really really mad at my mom. I really hate how selfish she is being. It would be ridiculous to think that cheating wouldn’t ruin a relationship. And I am mad at her because my dad doesn’t deserve this. I suppose I don’t understand why people cheat, especially when there is so much to lose. I think above all I feel like she is betraying the family. I just want to scream at her because how do you make such a shitty decision?
I am really scared that I won’t be able to handle this. I was planning to die before Christmas, but now I feel obligated to stick around. I am worried I am going to try to handle this and then lose everything I had. I am worried that my sister won’t be able to handle this. I really don’t think anyone could handle a suicide and divorce at the same time. I know this is going to wreck my dad. I know it. God.
So i guess my questions are: what would you do? Why would someone cheat? Any advice would really help. I just feel really isolated right now. I don’t know what to do.
5 comments
I was in a similar situation when I was 15. I’m now 34.
I found out my dad was gay and cheating on my mom. It really fucked with my head a lot. I was constantly worrying and couldn’t sleep. I didn’t know what to do. You feel the weight of your family’s future on your shoulders. It is complicated.
I didn’t say anything to anyone except my best friend and eventually my doctor.
I think I made right choice, but of course, there is no way to tell. It was tough to live with that secret. Adult relationships are complicated. Things aren’t always as black and white as they appear. Your Dad may know already, but wants to keep the peace because he wants your family to stay together.
I’m sorry to hear your in that kind of position. I don’t know. If I were in that situation I wouldn’t want to tell him till the holidays were over. Because I always remember if something bad happened on a holiday for me. But then… like you I would want him to know as soon as possible. I admit in this situation myself I would tell… but I’d be totally afraid of what would happen once I said something. I don’t know if that’s the best thing to do. She’s put you in a position that isn’t fair to you. I hope things get sorted out without you having to say anything!
Sh*t. I feel so bad for you. Does your mother know that you know? I think you should urge her to tell him. I dunno. This is hard, but she is only lying to herself in the end.
hey everyone. thanks for leaving a comment. rwt that is exactly how I am feeling. I am scared to tell anyone so I haven’t yet. I’m sure things aren’t black and white, but I don’t think my dad knows. I think they would be fighting if he knew. Most of the time he is pretty oblivious.
Death and Psyche this is my problem. I don’t want the family to be broken for the holidays, but my mom should have thought about that before she started cheating. It isn’t fair. And I really wish I didn’t feel obligated to tell my dad.
Muspelhelm, she doesn’t know that I know about the whole thing. I really don’t know how I could even begin to confront her about this. She scares me sometimes, and just thinking about saying anything is a scary thought. I agree. She is lying to herself.
I would go on to find out years later that my mother knew, and they had an arrangement that they were both happy with. Or at least that’s what I’ve been told.
I’m not sure what would have happened if I brought up the subject.
But I can tell you the affects not saying anything had on me:
1) My family stayed together. To me that was important. Obviously I don’t know what would have happened otherwise.
2) I lost a lot of sleep and worried about something I had no control over. I think this caused my depression problems to worsen.
3) It led to a tough relationship with my dad. I couldn’t really trust him and I still don’t in a lot of ways.
However, to me, if I would have said something and my family would have split up, to me, that would have been worse.
It’s a difficult choice, and I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer.
I will say the longer you go without saying anything, the easier it gets to live with. I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing either.