This is my first time seeing this website. I’ve just been looking for people who feel the same way i do. Im 25 and I currently went off my depression medication. Ive been suicidal before and this is the first time ive been suicidal while on my medication. I actually went off it to find the strength to go through with it this time. While taking it, i had the realization that even with the medicine, i still want to kill myself. What i mean is, in a good mood, i want to, want to kill my self. As if this is my lot in life, “the only thing i live for”,…is to die. Ever since I was 12 I’ve been stuck with depression. Chronic depression, as my psychiatrist called it. I’ve never been happy. I mean genuinely happy I’ve been happy in the sense that I’ve smiled and laughed and had good times with friends and family. I’ve never been genuinely happy with myself as a person and the way my life is. I’ve hurt people, I’ve hurt family. And I’ve lost the one person that’s ever been important to me and important to my life. The person I’d do anything for no matter what. I dumped her right before i was going to propose to her. We were both virgins and waiting for the right person to marry. Until I dumped her and broke her heart. For her, is the last time she’d ever get her heart broken. I’m married now not to her. I haven’t stopped thinking about her till the day I lost her. So much more than just that pain. It’s hard to explain but I’m just ready to go. After 13 years of depression I can’t hang on any longer. For me I have been strong. I’ve been stronger than some, but I’m losing my grip. My family has made my grip tighter for fear of hurting them, but now not even that can keep me here much longer. Given enough stress and time, anything can break. I’m close to my Breaking Point. I bought a revolver not too long ago. My wife thinks I’ll be using it to go hunting in the near future. I’ve only had one plan for it. Just wasn’t sure if I was going to go through with it or not. Any comments are welcome I don’t know if I’m looking for encouragement to go through with it or just someone who feels the same way. it doesn’t matter it’s all the same I guess. Maybe just looking to let someone know what’s going on in my head. Cuz I’m the only one that is aware of this. It is extremely exhausting
10 comments
Well, now I’m aware of this going on through your head as well as anyone reading this.
There are pieces of your mind that exist outside of reality, and there are pieces that exists within reality.
You have to learn the two. One is to play with, the other is to work with.
So there you go.. coffee sparks you up.. I don’t know.
Time to try a different med perhaps. 25 is young in my opinion to throw it all away and lost loved are hard but maybe you weren’t meant to be together in the first place. That can be a hard pill to swallow I know…been there. I think you should get rid of the gun and give yourself and your wife a chance to build a life together. Give yourself time and a chance to find happiness in your adult life.
I know you’re trying to help. Ive known my wife for a long time. Even before the “love if my life”. There’s nothing wrong with our marriage really. She loves me and i love her. Its just me as a person. She can live with me and love me, but im stuck with myself. I cant love or live with myself. And these thoughts have never gone away. The medication does work. Thats why i went off of it. Because it was helping. I just dont want it anymore…
You have no idea whats going on inside my head. Thats the point of this website. If I wanted an explanation of why or how i think, i would’ve asked my “spirit creature”. Fuck off with the spam comments of reality and “un-reality” ass hole.
Sorry I misunderstood I thought you meant you began feeling suicidal while on the med so you went off it like you didn’t feel it was worth being on anymore.
As far as your comment to allstar he’s new to this site as well as I am. I have lurked here a long time but just recently started posting. You will find people share their opinions as food for thought more than a psycho analyzation. There’s some really great support here and I guarantee you will find those that feel like you do and have gone through very similar things and feelings if not the same as you.
Don’t you think your wife would be devastated if you took your own life? Can you tell her how you feel? I would want to know if my husband was feeling suicidal. Can you give her a chance to be there for you?…might change a lot or at least take some of the burden off your shoulders. If she loves you I would think she’d want to be there for you right now if she knew how bad you feel right now. Especially if she knew the truth about the gun. Take some time to think it over.
Anytime I feel close to breaking I give myself at least until the next day before deciding anything. So far it has worked and nine times out of ten I feel better and glad I didn’t do anything rash. Have you ever made an actual attempt before?
I know she would be devastated…thats why its so hard for me to go through with it. I cant have her or anyone know what im going through. They wouldn’t understand. And i dont want anyone to try and talk me out of it. I give myself some time to get over myself when it comes to selfish suicide. That way when i do go through with it, i know its because i put real thought into it
Well what I can tell you is we have all hurt people, most of us here are unhappy with ourselves, unhappy with our lives are hanging on cause we don’t want to hurt our families…so you are in the right place as far as that goes. As far as people trying to talk you out of it…it’s more like wanting you to postpone it than talk you out of it. The thing is the person that is saying they are ready to go and post actively their goodbye on here are a lot of times the same people still here a week later begging someone else actively saying goodbye to stay. Then there are some who do follow through with their plans and succeed regardless of everyone’s best attempt at getting them to stay. So you can’t really go wrong here. No one will outwardly tell you to DO IT but a lot won’t try to talk you out of it either. Each poster is different, we all get it though no matter what or none of us would be here.
I am so sorry you feel like this is the only way out of your pain and that you feel you have to keep how you feel from your wife…something so important…but I do get it in a way. I just think it’s going to be more devastating for her not having a clue this is how you felt all this time. I just picture her crying saying “why didn’t he tell me he was feeling like giving up.” and it breaks my heart. Some people never get over it ,ya know. Life goes on, but for that person their life is forever changed with a loss forever felt and the pain just spreads. But I know it’s hard to live in your own skin sometimes…excruciating. You’d give anything to feel differently about yourself but sometimes it’s impossible to get past how you see yourself. My heart goes out to you.
Well thank you for your honesty and especially your understanding. I didn’t come here to be talked out of anything and thats why i came here. We’ll see. Maybe I’ll somehow make her understand whats going on, and its gunna hurt no matter what and i know she cant talk me out of it. So we’ll see. A suicide letter is a must when it comes down to it, but maybe your right. She could use a heads up. I’ll give it some time, a few weeks and we’ll see what happens. Maybe I’ll come up with the strength to tell her before its too late. No matter what, there’s no such thing as a satisfactory notice when it comes to suicide….
No, you’re right, even with a note or a warning it’s still painful for those you leave behind. You can write a separate letter specifically for her and her eyes only in a sealed envelope addressed to her that would be given to her (if she’s not meant to be the one who finds you) with all you need to explain. She would at least have that to try and understand why you ended your life while she is grieving. If you don’t feel you can tell her outwardly in person at least consider giving her that much. Please don’t leave her blaming herself or asking herself for the rest of her life…”Why?”.
I know you feel set on this, but I hope you find some reason to change your mind and stay.
Well i definitely plan on leaving her a note specifically. I will probably have several personalized letters to my closest family and friends. She knows I’ve tried it in the past…but i believe you’re right. She does need reasurance that its none of her fault.