December 1st, 2016by silverComplex
I was doing Carbon Monoxide in a sealed tent underground… I was just passing out and I crawled out and realized looking at the sunset… I want to live as much as I want to die… In other words, when life gets fucking hard I want to die as much I want to fucking live!! I fucking screamed and broke down. Every muscle in me was aching was saying what’s the point? Every muscle in my fucking body was telling me to stop. Every in me was telling me to stop and give up. And I said I can fucking do it… I know there is another fucking way… ! FUCK!
With my Maths… I got 12 days to study which means I need to learn 2 chapters a day by heart. Sure, I am supposed to graduate by end of 2017. But fuck it. I’ll graduate maybe by the end of 2018 or 2019 or 2020. I might mess up this semester I’m going to start running. If I might mess up next semester. I’m going to start running.
I think Suicide and living is a choice. And it’s perfectly okay whether you choose to struggle day to day basis or just call it quits. It’s going to be hella fucking hard but I’m going to start running and chase my fucking dream!
It would seem I would have to start living alone next year and I would need to find funds somehow to support my international tuition for college. I’ve figured out how just need a car but got no fucking funds but I’ll still get that car and I will start my fucking business without any fucking funds, hell maybe $5 is fucking enough.
Sure, I have clinical depression but fuck it! Rather than wasting my time thinking how “fucked up I am and in fucked up situation I am in” I will find a way. No more defeats man, I’m tired of talking I was going to do it but I didn’t do it. Shit, man. I’m tired of defeats, I’m fucking tired. To everyone who is considering suicide… Shit, you still have “time” because it’s not too late. Your life is your life don’t let “life” knock you OUT! I’m sure there’s a little light, hell even a little light is okay.
I will fucking succeed no matter what. I am tired of being mediocre and below average. I’ll re-invent myself and then re-invent myself again. Sure, I might smash a couple of windows and break some shit after each fucking failure. If that’s how I will cope with my mental depression.
“If you’re going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don’t even start. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives and maybe even your mind. It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench. It could mean jail. It could mean derision. It could mean mockery–isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. And, you’ll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you’re going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. [Do it… Do it… DO IT… go all the way, all the way] You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It’s the only good fight there is.”? (Charles Bukowski, Factotum) Rage, rage against the dying of the light…. Do not go gentle into that good night.
Don’t cry to quit! You already in pain, you already hurt! Get a reward from it! Life is fucking pain and I’ll do it with pain. I mean fuck! You’re already in PAIN… Recycle your PAIN! GET SOMETHING FROM IT! DO SOMETHING WITH IT!! Allow that pain to get you into the next mother fucking level. Allow your pain to push you… So people GET THE FUCK UP!!! Sometimes in life, you gotta hit back. In life everybody trying to fuck you over, destroy your dream… You have a chance to fucking hit back! HIT BACK AT LIFE!
I will and will become unstoppable. That’s it.
I will go back to the fucking Gym, go back to gymnastics, go back to mother fucking cycling and I will hit back even harder and fly through College no matter how long it takes. I am not doing this for my family bullshit. I am doing this FOR ME! I don’t give a shit if no one loves me because I love myself. It’s possible to re-invent my life. After College… I will go fucking climb mount Everest alone and I will live and I don’t give a fuck if I need to die a couple more times but I’ll accomplish whatever happens because I want to live as much as I want to die. Let’s fucking do this…
We Need To Be Lost To Find Ourselves