I’m sad. More sad than I have ever been. I’ve stared at my roof and tossed back and forth for days now. I thought the tears would stop eventually but they keep coming back. I guess I know I’m feeling something and not numb. This deep sadness and anxiety has changed me too much. I can’t return to routine. I was happiest with my friends, they were my world. We have so many memories and have offered to help but I refuse. I push away the ones I love most it’s a horrible cycle. I’ve excluded myself for months now due to the fear of facing the world and reality but now that I feel ready to go join back I have lossed everything. Back at square one. I’ve missed precious memories and fun moments with my friends and have ruined my teens years. They are full of regret,sadness and anxiety, I wish I could redo them and live my life a teen is suppose to.
im at a stopping point. I’m too drained I’m too deep into this sadness I have ruined my chances at life at a young age. There is nothing here for me. Everyone is meant to have a meaning in the world but I know for Fact my meaning is worthless. I’ve not been at school for months, anxiety got the best of me. I can safely say I hate my mind. It’s a horrible thing. How can your own body destroy you so much?. I feel as if my old self has abandoned me and left me with this empty,lifeless and boring shell behind.
I need to disappear from the world it’s too cruel for me I was not meant to be here. This life was not meant to be , it’s just a huge accident. I want the energy and willpower to do it. To finally kill myself. I want to have control of my death as it’s the last thing I have control of in this sick life of mine. My old self left with all my friends,family,passions and joys in my life were as this broken me is worthless and has nothing to look forward in life, no friends and can longer be happy with family. I want to go back. Back to the days were I took happiness for granted. Why can’t we pause or turn back time.
4 comments
You express the dilemma beautifully. I wish I had an answer for you. I’ve been there. I find myself there again at age 72.
Yet there have been reprieves when I felt good, happy, filled with hope.
Present, the teen years are the most volatile in life. Your hormones are chemically changing you from joy to despair. Someone with your sensitivity to life is of great value to this world, even if you do not see it at present.
I hear your pain and despondence. If you succeed in ending your life, I wish you well, no harm. If you find it too difficult, I wish you growth toward a better wholeness.
Vedura.
Thank you vedura, I really mean it I appreciate you taking the time to read my writing. I hope one day we will find our answers and if we never do at least we know at the end there’s peace. Thank you vedura,thank you,
Hey present . YEP .. I told this story only a few weeks ago . I too pushed away everybody That ever loved me or had anything to do with me .. It’s not really you yourself doing it but ya crazy mind and thoughts . Your story and mine and about I’d say half of SP uses stories are the same I reckon . I’m at the point now that I spend every waking hour alone, and quiet too as I don’t own a cell phone and nobody calls the fixed line .. Sure, I screwed up a suicide only weeks ago which led me here . Did me homework .. Thing is I was at the end and I really wished it had worked . I am so pissed at myself .. I do hate to fail Though .. Anyway My calm moment came and went . So NOW I am trying to look ahead a bit – seeing a new Dr .. Yes I read ya doctor post – Again I fucking know .. Unless they have had this depression shit they wouldn’t know . All text book stuff to them .. I have been down this road a couple of times with the Dr’s and there company pills .. It didn’t work for me before .. so ALWAYS in the back of my mind now haunting me is PLAN-B .. It never seems to leave ya .. If I find any magic cure You guys will b the first to know .. Good luck .
I hear of a lot of failed attempts which is my fear. The fear of failing and making everything worse. Thank you for taking the time to read my other post that really touched me you know ? despite the pain your enduring and all the shit your going through you still took the time to help an other human. I’m going to do it. Try a new doctor. I hope this works friend.