Endless thinking

I’m staring at my wall. I feel exhausted even though I haven’t done much today. Depression gets more tiring everyday.

I’m constantly asking myself is this my life? Is this what I really want? I want to escape and then again I don’t. I dream of being free in nature and hoping that would make me happy. Really, what makes me happy about that dream is knowing I would not last long.

I don’t know what love is. The only way I can understand love is if it hurts. I see my “ex” has moved on. He’s had about 3 girlfriends since me. I put the quotes around ex because, we were long distance. Never saw each other. It’s like it was never real. I mean, I am over him but it feels both embarrassing and pathetic knowing he’s had 3 girlfriends and I haven’t even been on a date.

I don’t know what I want. I get frustrated with myself. I have no self confidence, I cannot raise my voice or command anyone’s attention. I’m afraid my life will remain this bleak until my death.

I promise myself I will leave if this shit doesn’t get better soon. “Something’s gotta give soon or I’m gonna lose it.”