Ever wish you could give someone else control over your life? Let them make all your choices and decisions for you? I wish I could right now cause I just feel stuck and completely unmotivated…. like someone else needs to live my life for me cause I just can’t… part of me doesn’t want to and part of me just doesn’t have the energy…. I am so sick of feeling like this.
The Wellbutrin I’ve been on, I feel no different really and I know it’s early and may take time to work and so far the only side effect I seem to notice is ringing in my ears. I haven’t made an appointment yet with a psychiatrist out of pure laziness.
I have no job and keep dipping into my retirement savings which I know is just screwing myself in the long run. But the thought of me trying to get a job right now, being under work stress on top of this depression??? It terrifies me because I feel so fragile right now and am afraid it might put me over the edge and cause an absolute nervous breakdown. I feel like I have backed myself into a corner and can’t get out… I feel like there is just no way out…. and so I broke down crying today. I hadn’t done that in a while and it felt good to do it and relieve some of the pressure.
I just wish someone would come along, fix my life for me and then give it back to me and say “all better” and I can go back to being the way I used to. I just suck at life and I don’t want to play anymore….someone else can take my place… cause I might as well be invisible. I have plenty to contribute but just don’t care to anymore cause it doesn’t matter to anyone… no one but me so what good is that? I hate this kind of limbo feeling… it just feels so pointless and scary cause I feel like I don’t have the guts to go through with suicide, but I don’t have this great will to live either half the time.
Maybe I should take some money and go to Italy… maybe the change of scenery and getting out of dodge would do me good but I can’t do that for another month and a half…. at least I could get that off my bucket list… it’s the only thing left that is even remotely possible to be accomplished… I am just so tired and frustrated, I don’t know what to do anymore.
I have a cavernous hemangioma in my brain found incidentally on an MRI I had back in 2008 and normally they are found in the outer cortex of the brain, fairly common and most people never know they have them and can fairly easily be operated on. Well as fate would have it I am special… super special because as my neurosurgeon put it, mine is “in the worst possible place it could be.” It’s in my brainstem. So that means it’s not easy to get at and surgery would probably do more harm than good… could kill me actually as could it bleeding majorly…all because of where it is. So we decided to leave it alone as it’s not affecting me in any way… at least not yet. He told me the signs to watch for in case it does bleed and threaten my life and said get to the ER asap. Some days I wish it would bleed so I could just lie down and drift away pretty quickly and peacefully… but I will probably never get that lucky… but a girl can dream, can’t she?
18 comments
I sometimes wish I were a mech. Then someone could just make me blow shit up. I hope you see better days, Jewel.
Thanks Emptypluto… yeah it was just one of those days I guess. Surely there will be better ones.
HI JJ .
Hi Mellow…how are ya?
Real bad right now .. I didn’t know what to say to your post ,sorry .. I’m going to the bottle shop to get a bottle Scotch .. I’ll talk to you when I get back or I’ll be crying when I get there ..
Awe Mellow sorry to hear that…seems we’re in the same boat. 🙁
Hey JJ .. Yeah I started reading your post and thought I could of just written that myself . Except for the cavernous hemangioma . I just have the mental crap going on .. I have for the past 3-4 years .. You talk about lazy … I try to sleep as much as I can because of late I’ve been waking up to thoughts of death and despair .. I thought the drugs were working but the thoughts just come back .. I don’t want to get on this ride again ..
Yeah I here ya… the thoughts always come back no matter what. The hemangioma is nothing really, I forget I have it half the time, it’s not like an aneurysm or tumor or anything like that, but it could kill me if it bleeds.
I just wish I could push pause…. stop the world for a bit so I could try and get my self together without pressure. I have never been like this in my life, I just don’t feel like me.
Have you seen your new therapist yet? I seem to remember you mentioning that and trying a new med.
Look The new Psychiatrist and psychologist and doctors are really good .. The Psychiatrist seems to really care I believe he is trying to help me and the other bloke is great .. He’s like the only real person I talk to .. I do know that’s his job and he reports back to the others but he is great .. But it’s like having good friends and family I guess — That doesn’t make depression go away .. One hour a fortnight isn’t enough .
Maybe getting a life coach is really what we should be doing, forget the therapists… like you said there isn’t much time spent and it’s so sporadic. I don’t know what the answers are… there probably isn’t any. We just have to learn how to manage it I guess.
I find I am sleeping a little less, but still have periods where I just can’t keep my eyes open and I have to give in… but I have things to do and so I put off til the next day and it becomes a cycle of constant procrastination… nothing gets done and then I feel more down and frustrated. I really am my own worst enemy. Lol
I think I’m done .. After feeling shit all week and then talking to snorlax yesterday . I’m just over it all .. I’m 47 years old and I have never felt so alone in my life . I can’t se any reason to push on ..
I know it’s painful and hard but like me (we’re both in our 40s)your halfway through…. you sure that’s not the scotch talkin’? Have you ever tried one of those support groups, do you have those where you live?
I only just had my second . I would have love a group setting .. Like an AA group but That sort of thing is not here .. They were going to get some group to call me .. Maybe a church mob .. But I’m not sure .. If you ever read my other posts you would know I already had a suicide attempt .. I wasn’t muckin around .. It just didn’t work out .. I said after that that I would give it another go at life but Today I just cant see any future at all . I can’t work and I just have been spending all my money on food and bills .. I don’t know what’s next .. I don’t want to know ..
Well I know whenever I have felt close to throwing in the towel I promise myself to give it a day… wait until the next day and usually I feel less on edge. Try it Mellow… please don’t do anything rash in this mood you’re in. Please don’t go that way. Do you have any pets Mellow?
I feel a bit sad but I also feel good knowing that All this pain could be gone in just a few moments of terror .. I do have a dog and he is one of the only reasons I’m still alive now .. I did tell my sister last week I was writing out a new will and mentioned the dog .. She is crazy but she said she would look after my dog .. I guess she had to as I also will give her my house my Harley and all my shit .. The only thing I cared about was my dog .. I have made sure he is looked after .. Sure he will never know where or why I left him but he will have his house and a friend ..I have no friends at all.. I have been giving it one more day for a while now and I’m rooted.. It’s 6 45 PM here now and If I do decide to end it , it won’t be till around midnight .. Heaps of time to think about it .. I have just written a new will and hung a noose in the laundry .. BUT that means nothing .. I may get drunk and just cry myself to sleep .. Thanks for caring JJ but if I do decide to suicide tonight please be happy for me . MY life sucks so bad ..
Vodka for me MM.
The one more day thing is shit I agree. I’m going soon, don’t want any help or anything, just wanna go but my mind keeps telling me one more sleep and one more day.
Awe Mellow I do get your pain and suffering… it hurts me that you are hurting so bad. I am a hugely empathetic person. I just read about your first attempt and the way you tell the story I couldn’t help but laugh, I’m sorry. Riff Raff’s story and response had me laughing too. What you both went through with that me+hod! My brother in law’s brother committed suicide that way in his garage 6 years ago or so. It’s sad that any of us have to be pushed that far, to be that far gone where we feel it’s our only way out of this hell. I want you to find peace Mellow, but I wish it to be some other way, not like this… I can’t help it. You seem a kind and gentle soul that, just like so many of us, just got the shit end of the stick. I know you feel so alone, but there are thousands like you with so much pain so you aren’t alone. I can feel your pain Mellow, it’s so palpable…. I wish I was there to give you a great big hug and have a drink with ya…see you through this storm. I’ll be thinking of you, just know that. And if you do decide this is it, well I will miss you and remember you fondly. I probably relate to you the most on this forum so it will not be the same for me without you. I wish you a peaceful slumber cozy in your bed as a better alternative. G’night.
Thanks Jadedjewel .. I’m just so fucked up right now .. Lets see what tonight brings .. I wish you were here with me .. Or I there with you right now .. I’m sure a human contact with somebody that knows exactly what your going through would benefit us all . I’ll be around all night .. Lets see … THANK YOU .. from the bottom of my heart ..