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why did you become suicidel?

by noname_x

I was wondering why you guys did become suicidel?

If anyone is interested this is my story ..

The first time I became suicidel was about a year ago. I was already a little bit depressed but nothing much. On a friday night I went to a sort of homeparty together with my best friend for over 10 years. We were just chilling, having a good time and then suddenly he was acting strange. But I didn’t gave it much attention at the time. an hour or two went by and he was acting even more stranger than before, so i asked him what was wrong and then i noticed that he was just drinking to much. after that he wanted to talk to me in private, so i went with him, he started to touch me and tried to kiss me, but it was not what i wanted so i pushed him away. i shouldn’t have done that cause he got real mad, like real mad. he started yelling and hitting. he was yelling to me ‘youre a slut, i know you want this, you are always on me always asking for attention , you always want to be with me” and so on and so on and so on..

I got scared so i wanted to leave but then he pushed me against the wall and was trying to rape me. he riped my clothes of and started touching me on my private parts. thank god that someone came in looking for the toilet so i could go. after that we never spoke again, he told all of his friends that i was a slut , attention seeker, depressed little fuck girl and so a lot of people started to believe him and were hitting on me

i never told anyone what really happend that night, cause i’m ashamed. did i really seek for his attention? was it my fault that he felt this way and that he thought that i wanted him? i don’t know, after a year i still don’t know.

since then i got even more depressed, and that is when i got suicidel. now almost a year later i’m doing better, i finished highschool and i’m now in my first year of college. everything is going great and i met some lovely people. but it’s still really hard to trust people, like really hard

 

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lxmyrick 1/31/2017 - 3:55 pm

I understand, because of my history, I can’t trust people easily.

Kur0-Nek0 1/31/2017 - 4:07 pm

Getting raped or almost raped is not the victim’s fault, it’s the rapist’s fault.
So no, I don’t think that he did this because you looked like you wanted it.
It was most likely his own lust for sex.
And you also said that you pushed him away because you didn’t want this, so he already knew that you didn’t want this.
In my opinion what he did can be seen as a crime, since it was a rape attempt.

Alcohol can change people a lot, and who knows what else he took.
But the fact that he tried to rape you is just straight out wrong, even under the influence of alcohol and/or possibly other things, like drugs.

I understand that it is hard to trust other people, and I also personally recommend you to not trust everyone, but remember that not everyone is like that guy.
So you should try to give people a little bit trust, and let them show you whether or not they are worth your trust.

My story isn’t really interesting, but you’ve already read some of my post.
So I think that you already know a little bit about my story 🙂

Greets Kur0-Nek0

noname_x 1/31/2017 - 4:50 pm

Yes I know you are right, but I dont always feel that way. Some days I’m okay and i can just live my life, but other days i feel to stressed out, anxious and scared. I try to trust people, but a lot of the time they give reasons for not to trust them.. so yeah i dont know

I will be happy when i graduate so i can go to work and maybe move somewhere new, for a fresh start, who knows.

Thank you for your peptalk,i can just tell that you’re really smart and educational. Especially for your age.

Yes, you’ve told already some things about you, but what made you suicidel? What happened for you to think suddenly that you are better of death?

I really hope you find happiness again, it will get better , everyday a little bit, if you’re ready to fight it

Kur0-Nek0 2/1/2017 - 4:36 pm

What make suicidal huh?

Well, I don’t really know.
Life in general, I guess..
I am also my own worst enemy, so maybe I am suicidal because of myself?
I also hate school, and some people at my school are really annoying.
People also keep complaining about certain things.

It’s also possibe that it’s because of my depression and anxiety

Anyways, I hope that you’ll be able to be happy again one day, and that you’ll meet someone who you can trust. 🙂

Greets Kur0-Nek0

wanted85 1/31/2017 - 4:07 pm

I’m sorry that happened to you. I’ve always been a lil depressed my whole life, great family love them but I was adopted and I always felt unwanted because my birth mom didn’t want me but never depressed to kill myself so here’s my story….
Around 17 was when I first became suicidal it was a friends brother who took my virginity via rape he pretty much said I shouldn’t have came over after drinking I shouldn’t have given him a ride I wanted it. I said no i tried to fight him off I never admitted either one cause I lived in a small town and it would have gotten out. After that I just pushed it down used cutting as a cope then met my now ex husband was raped and beat by him for 11 years before I said enough I tried to kill my self multiple times in the marriage never succeeded gain a ton of weight cause he always called me fat slut and said I was to ugly to get anyone else all while he cheated on me now I was never small but i was over 500lbs when I started to loose the weight got down to about 250 lbs which gave me the courage to make him leave he left I was still suicidal, but felt a little less hate to me. Got raped once again at a bar after that I lost myself pushed it down like the times before began self hate again, met a good guy he’s awesome he understandood me cause his mom went thru abuse not as mine but still we clicked and I was ok for about a year. Started to slip around the holidays nightmares and then depressed and wanting to end it but was still alright fast forward to about end of December bf asked me to move out still wants to date but not live together I play that I’m ok with it every day but I’m not it sucks it hurts I feel abandoned again unwanted hate myself but I pretend to be ok for everyone else cause I don’t want pity. I’m a little better since I got put on meds but I still want to end it I’m just not happy with myself and don’t see a point. But I chicken out cause i care to much about others and don’t want my nephews and neice to have to know I killed myself.

noname_x 1/31/2017 - 4:39 pm

I’m so sorry you went through all this. I really dont understand what is going through some men’s mind, thinking its okay to abuse woman just like that. Im really sorry about it.
Have you already talked to your boyfriend about this? About the fact that he don’t want to live together. Maybe he has a good understanding reason, i dont know. If you’re not ok with it i think you should talk to him.
I wish you the best and i hope that you will be okay

wanted85 1/31/2017 - 4:57 pm

Yes we’ve had a lot of conversations about it, he knew I was struggling in the beginning but it’s what he wants, I just stay “ok” with it. He’s very driven at his job and doesn’t know what he wants in life and weather he wants me there, we moved way fast to me moving in and his feelings changed and he pulled the it’s not you it’s me card but being the person that I am I constantly think it’s me. It may be better once I move out it will be for him at least, for me idk I don’t do well alone but at the same time it’s tense me living there cause I know he doesn’t want me there so for a few more weeks it’s gonna suck.

sadlife958 1/31/2017 - 4:25 pm

Darn I want to answer this with full details but my anxiety is beyond the usual all I can say is I lived a standard greedy(my family) shitty life bullied as a school student elementary, Middle & High School. I was abused and emotionally abused by my dad. Umm I worked in every summer from age 14 and never saved a Penny because it all went to my dad for mortgage and bullshit. I was first suicidal when I was 17 around the time my dad passed away taking on his debts and throwing my future away now my mom is the problem I saw the life I was gonna live and I was right on broke I’m 26 never had a girlfriend and I plan to end it soon. I’m $85K in debt

noname_x 1/31/2017 - 4:43 pm

Im sorry you’ve had to go through all of this. Its really not fair when parents are like this .. dont you have any other family members that can help you? Im really sorry for everything. Wish i could say something to help you or make you feel better

sadlife958 1/31/2017 - 5:07 pm

Thanks and no my mother had borrowed a lot of money for one of the property’s that we owned(Well that my mom owned I just did repairs I didn’t get one Penney) but yes she was losing it because she took the profit money and used it to pay the house mortgage. Hah so it was getting foreclosed so she borrowed money from a family friend that I agreed and I sadly plan to give him my tax return the whole thing I’ll be left with nothing but that’s how it is to my completely normal of her son to do this . Not to long ago my mom came home from my grandpa/grandmas House and I havent seen my mom for probably 2 weeks and first conversation is “hey our family friend is buying a new apartment and he need some money you don’t have to pay him back everything but atleast when you have a chance send him $10,000” I’m like WTF and she leaves . And yesterday she came yelling randomly “WE NEED TO TALK YOU DON’T PAY NOTHING IN THIS HOUSE PAY THE PHONE BILL PAY THE INSURANCE” I for the first time in my 26 yrs yelled back “GET LOST JUST GO” “YOUR NOT A MOM GET LOST” I’m tired this is life I’m stuck hardcore I only make $380 a week now it use to be $400-$580 but my job slowed down

Woody 1/31/2017 - 5:17 pm

A recent berveament tipped the scales for me. I would have been suicidal before that, but I had obligations. Now I don’t, just hoping I can follow through.

wanted85 1/31/2017 - 5:26 pm

Sadlife I hate the situation you’re currently in and have been in for a long time. Im wondering if there is any way you could claim bankruptcy? It sucks on your credit but screw it you’re already in debt and then sit down with your mom explain hey I’m 26 I’ve got to get my own place but I still wanna see my brother. I’ve claimed bankruptcy and I can no longer help you with paying bills I’m sorry. I’m sure she will fight you but maybe it’s worth a shot?

sadlife958 1/31/2017 - 6:23 pm

Hi Wanted85 thank you for the advice IDK if I will be approved for bankruptcy my credit is already toast though. I just feel like 26 yrs of nothing and watching others around you enjoy life with someone while I stay giving my mom everything has been sustained long enough or I can take my tax return money and run to Australia away from USA IDK I appreciate your concern that’s very sweet

sadlife958 1/31/2017 - 7:11 pm

Hey @ Wanted85 I just read your comments above and I have to say I’m sorry that you had to go through all that. I hope you find happiness in your life more than I do myself I have a lot of respect for people like you

wanted85 1/31/2017 - 8:23 pm

@sadlife thank you I’m 31 and don’t know weather happiness will come I don’t think I can allow myself happiness as any time it starts to look up it goes bad idk life just seems to always go bad for me and I don’t understand it. And as for bankruptcy that’s the good thing about it is you will probably qualify I’ve heard of many people claiming it with 20-30k plus you’re young enough you can build your credit back up in due time 🙂

rocketman 1/31/2017 - 6:33 pm

Very interesting, You became suicidal because someone looked at you as a piece of meat. wanted to have sex with you and you fought back. then he ruined your reputation people you both knew.

you know it’s tragic that we let people ruin our lives, we are all guilty of that.

We as hard as it is to do have to accept that most human beings are stupid and selfish.

This is reality and it sucks, my advice is stay away from idiots like that and if the people he knows believe and listen to him stay away from them too! make new friends.

In other words you can’t control people or the way they think, don’t waste your time with them.

The reason i became suicidal is to deep and complicated to explain i could write a book. 🙂

wanted85 1/31/2017 - 8:18 pm

I feel as that’s a bad way to put it, someone tried to rape her, idk about you but to me rape is tragic in general even attempted. And I feel that what made her suicidal is f just the fact she was almost raped but that attempted rape was done by someone she loved as a person and friend and trusted. We all have our dark past some more traumatic than others however we also all take the things that happen to us differently l. Not trying to be a Diocletian about it but I feel just because you don’t think what happened to her was a big deal she feels it is a very big deal so how bout kindness and loving response instead of harsh

sadlife958 1/31/2017 - 9:53 pm

He may have come hard in the beginning so I do agree with wanted85 right there because I treat any type of rape situation seriously especially that I’m practically almost giving up on life I will never hesitate to protect a girl that’s being attacked or partially attacked both are wrong what’s no is no.

Still rocketman as reading down he starts to sympathize with her no hard feelings from anyone and noname_X_ be strong girl I’m sorry you had to face that I hope you get well

wanted85 1/31/2017 - 10:11 pm

I agree at the end sympathy was there I was just a little mad about the beginning part just cause rape and attempted rape is very traumatic for a girl or a guy cause it can happen to either. No hard feelings towards him I just wanted to share my thoughts and stick up for noname_x_ 🙂

jadedjewel 2/1/2017 - 7:26 pm

Well for me I have always felt a little like the odd man out at times my whole life… like on the outside looking in a lot throughout my life. I wasn’t bullied, had friends, a pretty good childhood really, but just have always felt off…. like I’m not like everyone else and don’t really belong here. It’s weird and hard to describe with words. I would say since adolescence I have had suicidal ideation off and on…. usually brought on by some negative event in my life. I’ve had PLENTY of those.
I feel like I just don’t really matter and I have no reason for being alive, no purpose or meaning. I had an unexpected pregnancy that was very stressful dealing with the baby’s father and trying to decide whether to keep it or choose adoption. He preferred me to abort it which made things even more upsetting. I decided to keep it and no sooner did I make that decision, I had a miscarriage. I just felt heartbroken and betrayed by the father and God. I felt it was so cruel of God to let me get pregnant, go through the unbelievable stress I was under and then take it away from me once I decided to be a mom… it’s been very difficult to get over that. And that I think was when my REAL depression started and life spiraled down from there with getting a 2nd DUI ( I was stopped for speeding but had been drinking some wine that night) a month after my miscarriage, which I fought in court and that was a 14 month long process that practically caused me a nervous breakdown. While I was dealing with that court battle and not having a license for those 14 months, I got fired from my job due to being out too often. Honestly I was, at that point, thinking of leaving the company I worked for anyway as I was miserable there, and was not caring about anything at that time.
I did win the court case as the judge ( I took a bench trial instead of a jury trial and the judge was actually a really cool judge, very lenient) was found not guilty so that was a plus, but I went through hell during that time. The legal process is long and tedious and the justice system is corrupt like everything else. And let me just say I did not in any way shape or form feel innocent til proven guilty, but completely the opposite! Even though I won I am still bitter about how my case went. I lost my license for 4 months I shouldn’t have had to because of the court and DA and one of my lawyers not doing their job… I showed up when I was supposed to but the DA forget to summons the cop one hearing, so my case was continued 2 months, then MY attorney’s associate that was supposed to represent me didn’t show up at the next hearing. Guess there was an emergency or that was the reason given so of course another continuance of another two months was issued… so an extra 4 months of dickin’ around waylaying me getting this over with and my license back…. but what did they care…It wasn’t THEIR life being affected… just mine. How I didn’t lose my shit in that courtroom I will never know.
And then the job loss, and ending my relationship with the baby’s father… it was just a lot of shit over an almost two year period… I just felt like the universe was shitting on me repeatedly and I couldn’t catch my breath and deal before the next wave of shit hit. It just destroyed me emotionally and my suicide ideation became more intense… and now I barely want to get out of bed and trying to find a job… I just feel so emotionally fragile right now to even handle it all -the interviewing, and if I get hired the acclimating and stress of it all. I don’t want to be just starting a job and burst into tears and have everyone think I’m a lunatic! So I just feel stuck on a tightrope I am constantly walking, trying not to completely lose it, trying to get better so I can feel confident in getting a job and get my life back to some sort of normalcy. Of course I am a financial mess as well.
It constantly feels like I have this dark cloud over my head all the time and fate is always waiting to screw me over……my whole life it’s been this way, not much has gone in my favor and I have just about had it. My reserve tank is just about completely depleted. I am a fighter but the fight in me is getting lesser and lesser all the time……so here I am on SP.

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