Why is so difficult?

January 2nd, 2017by FNYGG

I have been struggling with depression for the last 5 years. I think I always had depression tendencies but I started a treatment 5 years ago. I remember since I was a kid I have been thinking of how to suicide. I tried to do so in 2016 and it’s still on my mind and at the moment the only thing that “motivates” me is to know that I have a bunch of pills ready to be taken with alcohol. I have studied how to do it, how pills work and react to have success. Is that crazy?

It’s funny how when people know that you had a problem they try to “help” being there, sending you messages, calling you… anyway, for me having a strange attitude… but that behavior is kind of fake, isn’t it? Normally they wouldn’t care, normally they don’t call you on your birthday or just suddenly to say “Hi!”. In my world, if you don’t raise your hand and say something really dramatic (for good or bad), they forget that you exist. In fact, I love to send letters (physical letters) and postcards to be present in my friends life since I’m from Mexico and I’m living in Europe. But that’s not enough for them to say hi once in a while. I know not everyone is like that but I guess I have not been lucky or am I asking too much?

The worst comes when those few persons (2) who are next to you are giving you love and attention and you don’t know how to take it or what to do with that because you feel that you don’t deserve it and obviously because you are not used to it. Feeling guilty because you know that you are making their lives miserable with your suffering and concerns. Have you ever felt like that?

I would like to change my mind and feel better to be able to receive love and to give love back, but it’s not that easy… deal with depression is really hard and something that can take a long time.

I don’t know if I’ll be strong enough. The most of the time I’m thinking on how to finish with everything… I think if I’m not here anymore everyone would be better. Yes, at the beginning maybe they will be sad but after a time they will forget me and everything will go back to normal.

 

 

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