I hate going to bed regretting everything I’ve said to others through the the day. ( I’m a pariah and im sure every word makes people roll their eyes) I hate waking up in the morning and the only thing on my mind is ways to die. I hate this sense of obligation keeping me here because it’s too late to replace me on my work trip, so I have to suck it up for another 7 months. (The funny thing is that if anyone knew they wouldn’t let me go) most of all i just hate myself,… no one else likes me but they are lucky enough to just be able to avoid me while I’m stuck with myself until I can end it and take that dirt nap.
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“dirt nap”. I love it. You should change your username to DirtNap.
Idk, people are intimidated by intensity. You are seriously intense. Passion is scary to people: it can place demands on them requiring them to think or act or engage in an interaction which they don’t know how to navigate. People like the comfort of the status quo, its boundaries are safe, its demands few.
You’re on a 7 month work trip?
Thanks SQ, I never thought of my social interactions like that.
I didn’t expect to be posting on this site that long so I didn’t put much effort into my screen name but that’s a good suggestion if a bit ironic being that one of my primary solutions is to paddle my kayak out to sea and suck start my .45. (I do like irony even if it’s only for me)
Yes on occasion I travel for work (I wasn’t sure I was going until a week ago otherwise I may have mustered up the spine to do it already) while I know no one would actually miss me it would put undue strain on the guys also going, picking up my duties ect and it’s too late to replace me so maybe when I get back.
I’m laughing, but not at you. I think plan # 6 was to paddle as far out as I could, take a shitload of drugs and no food or water and just drift along until I either fell out and drowned or died from the o.d. or the elements or dehydration. So, I find the kayak and the .45 amusing.
It’s not a bad idea, though. Being alone on the water alone with your thoughts, finding out at that moment of truth if you really want to live after all. Of course, we wouldn’t really be able to call you “DirtNap” then. Maybe “SharkChum” or “HeadlessDrifter”.
Please know, I am not mocking you. You’re multi-leveled, I can tell. INFP? INTP?
I don’t know anything about all those personalities,…. what’s the personality that tries to be social and have friends but alienates everyone and is destined to be alone,… has mental blocks of their childhood but attempted suicide more than once before age 12,….. what letter abbreviation is all that?