I feel like im failing at all of this. theres so much i have to do and i cant find the strength to do any of it. i wake up, terrified, anxiety in my stomach and even though its freezing outside i go for a run, and then im tired for maybe half an hour. then the anxiety is back, building this time, flooding my veins and head with nervous habits, my twitchy fingers, the racing heart, and the gut feeling that im about to break down. I stay on that edge, the verge of a panic attack, for moments throughout the day, always drifting and never falling. at night, i think about ending it all, because we all are going to die, right? so whats the point? i mean, if we’re all going to die in the end, whats the point of hanging on for 70 more years? do i really want to live?
i write music to cope, but i suck at that too. the melodies arent right, i dont know enough to actually make it, and theres no one to help me. no one believes in me. i feel like im stuck, and even though everyone else is moving forward i feel like im not. im frozen in time, yet still running out, and i cant move, i want to move, but i cant. i want to cut my skin and drain this feeling out of me. i want to scream and cry and punch the wall until my bones crack and splinter. when im driving down the road i look into the headlights of the oncoming semitruck and i imagine pressing the gas, veering into the lane, and my body cracking, squishing, breaking, bleeding and broken on the ground. i want it, but i drive straight, in my lane, and i am terrified that one day i will lose control, while i am praying that i do.
i need something, i need someone, but i am silent.
because whats the point?
1 comment
I hear you. I understand a good bit of what you’re saying, but I am exhausted and cannot think. I don’t know what to say. But I do hear you.