Contradictory.

February 16th, 2017by tyrfing

I’ve overcome so many things in my life; a majority of it has been surviving my parent’s verbal abuse and neglect and the overwhelming feeling of being alienated by society.

First of all, I wouldn’t say they’re terrible parents, but every root of each and one of my problems always goes back to them, and it brings me pain that I know that I have to move on since all the damage is done, and nothing will come out of blaming them until the day I die.

It’s hard not to wish for their death, it’s far easier to think about suicide. I’ve developed this inane fear of being humiliated because of them. It was hard struggling through school being bullied and verbally harassed by my peers to the point that I started believing I really was an idiot, only to come home and be humiliated again by a father who locked himself in his room right after work, and a mother who was too tired to provide anything, but the substantial amount of frozen/fast food.

I struggled putting on a neutral facade. Somewhere along the way, I ended up suppressing my feelings, so that people couldn’t know how much they hurt me because I was taught by my father how bad it was to show them in the first place. I couldn’t be sad because it was weak, and I couldn’t be happy because I’d be humiliated just for smiling. My father hated it when you were too happy or laughed too much and he would tell you how annoying you were, so I just withdrew.

I withdrew so much and kept all my pain suppressed in public, so that I can break down in my room where no one knew how awful I felt.

I lost so many friendships and relationships this way. No one understood me. No one understood that my parents were monsters, and no one wanted to understand the depression that left me to the care of a roommate and senior students who put me in counseling.

I don’t think people have ever looked at me the same way. My parents told me: You don’t need any friends, they’ll leave you. And, they’re right, because no one wants to put up with someone who keeps breaking, and it makes me more aware of how valueless life is. Or how valueless I am.

My life has continued to spiral downwards. It seems like I can’t escape the feeling of being humiliated. It seems like I can’t escape my stupidity. I wasn’t allowed to go to a good university where all my friends went to. I worked so hard to get into it, but they wouldn’t allow me, and put me in a university that wasn’t good for anything, but nursing.

Everyone looked at me as if I were stupid. Everyone looked at me, surprised, and pleasantly thrilled at the idea that not all Asians are smart, because I met you.

Needless to say, I’m too stupid for nursing, so I failed it, and I opted for the subject I was okay with: English. I feared a lot of things taking this major. I feared for my future. I feared for the inevitability of never having a stable job or salary. For many months I cried because I kept on fearing everything and my parents would call me everyday to tell me how much in debt I was putting them in, and how I owed them for everything.

I thought, that maybe, working abroad as a teacher would escape me from the hell that is called my family when I finally graduated, but, when I finally landed onto foreign soil, I realized how alienated I really was.

No one was ever going to accept me. I can see right in the eyes of my coworkers how worthless and stupid I am to them. I imagined them thinking, how did an idiot like this person get into our school? whenever I did something wrong or confusing. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.

I’m so alienated from this world. No one will love me. No one will understand me. I can’t even understand myself.

I want to be loved, but I can’t love back in fear of getting hurt. I’m so detached from people, but I seek people’s approval. I’m so scared of being alone, but being alone is the only comfort I’ve ever felt.

I’m in a perpetual state of agony. Everyday, I wake up, exhausted, wondering when will I finally kill myself?

I’m supposed to hear back from an interview I had for a prestigious program, and depending on the results, I think my decision to end my life will be from that. It’s so important that I get in. I think this is the only route to where I find happiness…. I’ve worked hard for 5 years, through all my tears, to get into this program….

I’m tired.

 

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