I just discovered this site and i felt some of the pain others expressed and it made me want to express mine that I feel like I couldn’t express to no body in person Bc they tell me something in response I could of told myself.. you know the pep talk or some bullshitt of telling you the reality of things.. fuck yo I know.. I hate hearing that shit.. what people think you should do or have to do.. it’s annoying so I don’t bother talking about my feelings with people who seem to just give you a common sense idea to help you.. I guess I just like to relate with other people who feel the same as I do.. the fact that i feel sucidal as hell to the point I’m ready and would be pleased to off my self.. my life is just a fucking reck I’m 19 Turing 20 this year and I don’t feel like I live up to life standards anymore or if I ever did.. I’ve been hospitalized countless times due to drug induced pyshchosis and self commitmented to rehabs that I’ve either successfully discharged or got kicked out off.. This thing..mental illness.. pyshchosis… whatever you want to call it fucked my life up terribly to the point my father.. my mother.. siblings.. friends.. family want absolutely nothing to do with me.. I been through it 3 times.. each time cops..FBI.. doctors…were involved.. when you’re in a pyshchosis if you ever experienced one you know you lose touch with reality.. COMPLETELY.. like I can’t stress this enough.. you don’t know what’s real and what’s just falsely made up in your head Bc you’re manic as fuck.. I couldn’t tell you about what the shit I thought in my head at those times with out a feeling of a burning sensation in my body of embarrassment.. so I go through day after day.. night after night haunted by ugly memories of guilt..and what I hate the most about me.. is for people who don’t know me like randoms you see in public or something or a family member you haven’t seen in awhile right.. okay.. they expect or have a good first thought about you like.. “hey! This guy most be doing good” or “he looks like he’s good at sports” has a girlfriend.. Is in college… smart.. you know good intentions about you..but fuck no..my life is totally the opposite of that.. i just work and watch fucking family guy.. drink until I can’t feel my face Bc I can’t stand my fucking life plotting to fucking kill myself.. that’s my fucking life.. I’m a loser.. no friends.. no girlfriend.. no future.. NO HOPE.. living with my grandparents in the trenches of Baltimore.. Bc my mother kicked me out.. I’m a total disappointment to her.. im suffering mentally and physically.. I don’t think I’m going to be successful just more of a fucking disappointment to society.. my family… GOD
3 comments
I’ve heard there’s meds that can help control that kind of psychosis.. it’s not like you chose to have it or were in charge of those states, so holding onto the guilt forever is kinda unkind.. it sounds really unpleasant.
i’ll admit i like the common sense answers that can give direction, you may not like my reply.. it’s nice sometimes to have a direction to go in. mostly people try to advise problems from their point of view, doesn’t make one automatically right or wrong, just what has worked or not for them.
college isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and not always a necessity.. friends are part luck in finding likeminded people at work, library clubs, etc.
okay, you aren’t happy with your life at the moment. that does’t mean things can’t change. a lot of people who plan for the future find out that those don’t always pan out and have to find a new direction. you have a job, that’s some type of thing. try not to focus so much on this success standard of others, look at what you can do and are capable of doing and what you could possibly like next and start there instead of looking at comparisons. screwing up is not a bad thing, setbacks don’t mean moving forward is impossible.
for the record i can relate in a general sense at least.
my problems are just so much more complicated.. or worse..than what my first post was about.. so many different things that are wrong with my life in between that story.. but I do appreciate your reply.. I’ve lost the strength to go in any direction after good advise is given.. I’ve been in moments where I’m given advise way to many times and never seem to get things right.. maybe for awhile things will be borderline okay ..but god no.. something will happen.. I will fuck up because that’s just what I do…destroying what I barely had built.. all that I had.. I’m working now but it doesn’t mean shit too me… I’m a shame of what and who I am regardless.. I feel the the confusion.. disappointment.. grief.. hatred.. sadness.. that other people have for me… even if they didn’t even tell me.. my personalitys/emotions are all messed up because I don’t even know how to feel anymore… my sanity has been torn open..
I am 20 going on 21 and I DON’T live up to “societies” expectations at all. I’m also a loser, no gf, no future… and I don’t even have a job. I spent most of my days daydreaming a better life, I’m planning on executing myself soon. I was going to use my shotgun and headshot myself but I don’t know, it’s a bit messy. So I’m thinking high powered pistol and a clean shot hopefully less of a mess. It’s a sad world some people live in. I sometimes dream about being a millionaire, no stress, all my family being proud of me looking up to me, all my friends being envious, having a hot wife, beautiful children, nice car, big house, but that won’t ever happen. If there is another life after death I bet it’s going to suck just like this one.