Felt the need to express…

People like to tell me to give it time, that I won’t always feel the way I do. Well years keep passing and the only thing that’s changed is that I’ve gotten older. So when will this positive change be coming then? I mean it. FUCKING WHEN. I am so tired of dragging my sorry ass about, bitching and moaning, feeling like accomplishing the most basic tasks is a herculean effort. It’s pathetic. My therapist tells me I should fake it till I make it. I’m tired of pretending that I feel  something other than self loathing. The days all blend together, all I do is sleep and jerk off, the person in the mirror keeps getting older and fatter. I hate that person. Don’t fucking tell me things will get better. Our bodies are slowly deteriorating, that means everything gets worse. I am so sick of everything. I need to feel something. I need this to change now. Not in ten years, not next Tuesday, FUCKING NOW. Nothing ever changes. Fuck everything, but most of all fuck me. I don’t really want to function. Being an adult is so exhausting after all. I really do just want to sleep and jerk off all day. I have no other goddam ambition in this world other than being a whiny ***** apparently. I’m so fucking sick of trying to exist and take an interest in ANYTHNG. I FEEL NOTHING I CARE FOR NOTHING. WHAT THE FLYING FUCK AM I HANGING AROUND FOR. HOW LONG DO I HAVE TO PRETEND THAT I’M A GODDAM PERSON. THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE. I’M THIS BLOATED THING THAT DOES NOTHING BUT SHIT, EAT, AND SLEEP. I HAVE DONE EVERYTHING I’M SUPPOSED TO DO. I SEE THE DOCTORS, TAKE THE MEDS FOR YEARS. NOTHING HAS CHANGED. WHAT NOW???? PLEASE WHAT FUCKING NOW? I CAN’T STAND BEING THIS PERSON THAT I AM ANOTHER MINUTE. “It’s a slow process, you need to take one step at time” FUCK THAT. I TRIED THAT, GIVE ME SOMETHING NOW.  Just enough. I’ve had enough. I gave existence a good run, I did my best (what little that’s worth). But enough already. I’m so tired, so fucking tired, that’s all I ever feel. Is there really any other way to be? JUST ENOUGH. I can’t