I have officially made up my mind and am at peace with it. Time to say goodbye this weekend. I wanted to go earlier but one of my daughters birthday is tomorrow so I am going to wait.
I learned that due to my NP hydrocephalus that I am about 18 to 24 months away from suffering the same symptoms as those with CTE. It is almost like dementia. I do not want to sit and be a burden to anyone. Especially do not want to be a burden to my soon to be ex wife and my kids. I think I have come to peace with it.
I know that it has already caused some damage and probably why I have lost them and it seems nothing will stop the pending divorce. So before I hurt anyone else or continue to hurt the ones I have been hurting I am hoping to end it this week.
I have made a mess of my life and the pain and anguish of living with it is too much. Plus I am older and have done a great many things already so it will not be that big of a deal to me. I want the pain to go, I want to not suffer anymore.
Time is not healing, trying to cope is not healing and everything else I am trying is not healing. I made the mistake of checking on her posts on twitter and seeing her beautiful face, knowing I cannot touch her or tell her how much I love her and how truly sorry I am for everything I have done is too much pain to deal with. I would have done anything and everything I could to win her back or to earn her love again.
Without her I have nothing and without her I am nothing. I know I cannot live without her and I am not going to continue to try. The one true love I had and I messed it up beyond repair. I cannot live with that anymore.
That falls upon your skin
It’s closer than my hands have been
I’m jealous of the rain
I’m jealous of the wind
That ripples through your clothes
It’s closer than your shadow
Oh, I’m jealous of the wind
All this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There’s nothing to forgive
But I always thought you’d come back, tell me all you found was
Heartbreak and misery
It’s hard for me to say, I’m jealous of the way
You’re happy without me
That I don’t spend with you
I’m wondering who you lay next to
Oh, I’m jealous of the nights
I’m jealous of the love
Love that was in here
Gone for someone else to share
Oh, I’m jealous of the love
All this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There’s nothing to forgive
But I always thought you’d come back, tell me all you found was
Heartbreak and misery
It’s hard for me to say, I’m jealous of the way
You’re happy without me
Watch you slip through my hands
Oh, as I die here another day, yeah
‘Cause all I do is cry behind this smile
I wished you the best of
All this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There’s nothing to forgive
But I always thought you’d come back, tell me all you found was
Heartbreak and misery
It’s hard for me to say, I’m jealous of the way
You’re happy without me
You’re happy without me
10 comments
Sry to know that you’re hurting. I probably can’t say this but don’t you think your daughters need You? Just a thought cuz I fight with my dad almost every single time we have a convo but I need him to be present all the time.
Yeah but for now I am not able to see them and probably will have to fight tooth and nail to see them and the family court game is a horrible game to play when you are the male. It is the drawbacks to the whole thing. Plus I will forget who they are and who I am in a year or so and then I will end up being a pain to all of them.
Life is so unfair to some of us. Not being able to find a way out and struggling in the same state of mind is torture. Complicated. I wish you find some peace and ease your mind from all that has been haunting you.
missingmy3hearts, im sorry that u have such a horrible disease, ending up with dementia like symptoms would be unbearable for those around you. i lost my nan to dementia a little while ago and the memory of what she was at the end still is the first thing i see when i remember her.
i wish you good luck and peace in the end.
ps. are u leaving your daughters a letter or video or something to remember you by?? just a thought.
Yes I have notes and videos all set up. One poster said it best in that suicide is a beautiful thing because we can control when we leave the world. It is up to us and no one else unless you are stopped.
I want to go out my way and on my terms. I do not want to end up sitting in some wheelchair being fed food each day until I eventually die. No thank you.
yeah thats definitely well said. in my mind suicide can be one of the most selfless acts a person can do. (not always though), but in your case yes. it gives more evidence for voluntary euthanasia, which im also a fan of. anyway i really do wish u all the best with a nice quick passing. we all live on thru our kids.
take care
Thanks Soco. Luckily I have a 380 with some good ole Hollow Points to make sure I do not feel anything. Drink some booze and then off to never never land.
I’m so extremely sorry how upset you are. My parents divorced when I was small (sadly like most kids now) and I know how difficult it was with the courts and everything. In that situation my dad had more power, and he’s the one that cheated! I hated the situation and I never thought my mom would be happy again. Please believe me I do know that you think they would be better without you, I can guarantee for sure your kids, and most likely your ex wife will also feel responsible for it. Of course they need you there for daily things even though I know you can’t do that at the moment, but they need you there for a lot more than that mentally. It really messes with kids minds, as expected! They will possible blame their mother and clearly you don’t want her hurting. I thought I ruined my relationship 5 years ago, we finally got back together after 3 years! Hell no time didn’t heal me, him coming back did. I don’t want to make you feel worse about this, I just really want you to see that once your pain is gone, theirs won’t be, it will just be beginning! You don’t deserve to live being sad but you won’t always and that’s for sure.
I cannot imagine the pain you are in.
I can’t imagine how much pain you’re in, I am so sorry.