Well for me I have always felt a little like the odd man out at times my whole life… like on the outside looking in a lot throughout my life. I wasn’t bullied, had friends, a pretty good childhood really, but just have always felt “off” like I’m not like everyone else and don’t really belong here. It’s weird and hard to describe with words.
I would say since adolescence I have had suicidal ideation off and on usually brought on by some negative event in my life. I’ve had PLENTY of those.
I feel like I just don’t really matter to anyone really and I have no reason for being alive, no purpose or meaning. I had an unexpected pregnancy that was very stressful dealing with the baby’s father and trying to decide whether to keep it or choose adoption. He preferred me to abort it which made things even more upsetting since I couldn’t fathom doing that. I decided to keep the baby even though the father made it clear he couldn’t do much to be a father and barely be able to help me financially. This made me realize I truly was nothing more than a piece of ass to him…. it made me livid and so disgusted he wouldn’t and didn’t want to do the right thing and take his full responsibility.
Well no sooner did I make keeping the baby my decision, I had a miscarriage. I just felt heartbroken and betrayed by the father and God honestly. I felt it was so cruel of God to let me get pregnant, go through the unbelievable stress I was under, and then take it away from me once I decided to be a mom… it’s been very difficult to get over that. And that, I think, was when my REAL depression started, that triggered it, and life spiraled down from there with getting a 2nd DUI ( I was stopped for speeding but had been drinking some wine that night) a month after my miscarriage. I fought the charge in court and that was a 14 month long process that practically caused me a nervous breakdown.
While I was dealing with that court battle and not having a license for those 14 months. I did win the court case as the judge ( I took a bench trial instead of a jury trial and the judge was actually a really cool judge, very lenient) found me not guilty so that was a plus, the ONLY good thing that happened in 2016, but I went through hell during that time.
The legal process is long and tedious and the justice system is corrupt like everything else. And let me just say I did not in any way shape or form feel innocent til proven guilty, but completely the opposite! Even though I won I am still bitter about how my case went. I lost my license for 4 months I shouldn’t have had to because of the court and DA and one of my lawyers not doing their job… I showed up when I was supposed to but the DA forget to summons the cop one hearing, so my case was continued 2 months, then MY attorney’s associate that was supposed to represent me didn’t show up at the next hearing. Guess there was an emergency or that was the reason given so of course another continuance of another two months was issued… so an extra 4 months of dickin’ around waylaying me getting this over with and my license back…. but what did they care…It wasn’t THEIR life being affected… just mine. I am super independent and have a real hard time asking for help and rides everywhere, it was hell, not to mention feeling like I was on house arrest most of that time, a prisoner in my own home. How I didn’t lose my shit in that courtroom I will never know.
While dealing with the court battle. I then was fired for being out sick too often, ” not adhering to attendance policy” and violating my probation with company as I had been warned. I was over the limit by 4 hours had gotten many drs notes as was requested. Apparently I could not be out sick from June of 2016 til February of 2017 which is when my probation period would’ve ended…. Yeah the chance I am not gonna get sick during the WORST part of the year for sickness- winter and flu season, plus the fact I have a GI condition that flares up unexpectedly that I have really no control over, were slim to none and ridiculous! But the good news was I was planning to leave the company anyway in the next three to six months cause I was miserable there and so fed up with their bullshit and mind games and by then I wasn’t caring about much anyway so being fired was a bit of a blessing… I was ecstatic really to be done with the place.
Then ending my relationship with the baby’s father… I really let him have it kicking him to the curb… it was just a lot of shit over an almost two year period… I just felt like the universe was shitting on me repeatedly and I couldn’t catch my breath and deal before the next wave of shit hit. It just destroyed me emotionally and my suicide ideation became more intense… and now I barely want to get out of bed and try to find a job… I just feel so emotionally fragile right now to even handle it all -the interviewing, and if I get hired the acclimating and stress of it all. I don’t want to be just starting a job and burst into tears and have everyone think I’m a lunatic! So I just feel stuck on a tightrope I am constantly walking, trying not to completely lose it, trying to get better so I can feel confident in getting a job and get my life back to some sort of normalcy. Of course I am a financial mess as well.
It constantly feels like I have this dark cloud over my head all the time and fate is always waiting to screw me over……my whole life it’s pretty much been this way, not much has gone in my favor and I have just about had it. My reserve tank is just about completely depleted. I am a fighter, always have been, but the fight in me is getting lesser and lesser all the time. I am finding less and less reasons to stick around. I already feel like the better half of my life has already been lived at 41, done pretty much everything I have wanted to do or experience. Not much left on the bucket list and my future just doesn’t look too bright…. I still try to find hope and hang on. I try to be positive so maybe things will get better, but for every good thing that happens, I have about a two week reprieve and then five other things will go wrong all at the same time…. I keep paddling to keep from going under but it’s getting exhausting and some days I feel ready to just give up and let go…. so here I am on SP.
4 comments
it sounds like you definitely have had your fair share of short comings in life, but you even said it yourself, youre a fighter. youre here because youre fighting through the shitty situations youve been put through in hope there will be a silver lining at the end of it all. and i bet there will be. to have suicidal ideation since an adolescence but to have hung on this long… it really proves your tenacity. i have no doubt that this tenacity will pull you through this rough patch. sometimes it might feel like bad things always happen to good people, but infact, good things happen too. we all have ups and downs in life and whatever goes down must come up. no matter how pointless this period in your life feels like, just know it will pick up eventually. it might take a while for that to happen, but thats okay because youre a fighter. you want to get through this. and you can get through this. fuck that company that fired you, unfortunately you cant “choose” when youre going to be sick. it just happens. i am sure there are better jobs out there. even if youre feeling too emotionally fragile right now to get one. i feel like that too sometimes. i mean im still a student, but sometimes i just feel way to fragile to go to school. and thats okay, we have those days. but maybe try seeing someone who you can talk about your feelings with, like a therapist. sounds cheesy, i know, but it might benefit you and give you the courage to start the job hunt again. for myself, im like a bottle. i dont show my feelings, i keep them inside and hidden till i burst. but when i was forced over and over again to talk to people, it gradually got better. talking helped me, and it still does help me. even if youre not much of a talker, having someone to support you can make a big difference. wishing you all the best
Thanks beautifulsinner, I agree with everything you said, I have seen happier times so I know that person in me does exist. Being fired was actually a god send to me in away and I don’t regret it as it contributed so much to my unhappiness. I really needed to get out of there one way or the other and was heading toward quitting, but due to illness, ended up fired first… so be it.
I am trying to find a therapist as we speak. I went to my new Pcp and talked with her about needing extra help because I had become so severely depressed and that was when she put me on the Wellbutrin to add to the citalopram which I am doing ok on so far, I feel it’s starting to help a little bit, I feel a bit more peppy. So yes I am fighting because I do think I can overcome this. I have never been completely happy all the time ever in my life but it used to be a more manageable situation unlike lately… I am just looking to get back to that place… not looking for a complete miracle fix cause I don’t think THAT is possible. I am fighting and trying and that’s all anyone can ask of any of us. Hope you’re doing better too and going a little more easy on yourself. 🙂
I’m sorry you had all this stress and life is just to much sometimes. After getting out of my marriage I got a dui it sucked I felt like damn I just made a good decision to leave my ex to get a dui I didn’t loose my license I got the dumb blower put in and probation and aa which the aa saved me cause I did/do have an alcohol problem . I made it thru that all while being down and I handled my situation worse as I was raped outside a bar literally two weeks after leaving a man who beat and raped me all the time so I became depressed then got probation I was a hot mess finding guys screwing guys having no self worth I was trying to mask my pain with sex that I controlled in hopes that one of them would be psycho and kill me but it never happened broke my back that summer then after that got of probation then I met my bf he helped me a lot got me out of my dark hole I was ok (never perfect) for a while now I’m right back there only without the screwing guys hoping for death (and before anyone asks yes I used protection and got tested every 3 months) now I want death but i want it in my terms. As for the miscarriage I’m sorry that has to be so hard. I can’t have kids I’ve decided tho I’m to fucked to care for someone else but it sucks and some days I long for it cause I am a woman and I feel like less of one since I can’t have a kid. Sorry I went on for a while. But you can do this you’ve had ups and downs and I hope things get better for you
Thanks for your kind words Wanted. The miscarriage I have mixed feelings on… when it first happened I was cursing and hating God for every thing I went through…. but I came to realize it maybe was a blessing in disguise. The baby’s father turned out to be a real inconsiderate, selfish, asshole and I believe a sociopath, and to not have to be tied to him for the rest of my life due to having a child together, I am grateful… so in a way I think, now, God did me a favor…I just wish I could’ve known it was a boy or a girl. It happened within the first month, so early on so no chance of that… but I am curious.
It definitely triggered my severe depression …that I know!