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Perfection

by beautifulsinner

it needs to be perfect. everything you do needs to be perfect. you need to be perfect.

those are just a few of the thoughts racing around in my head, each and every day. its not like my parents had anything to do with this, no, its all me. im always worrying about everything, always tense, always wanting whatever i do to be perfect.

because i want to be perfect.

what a silly thought right? no one is perfect you might say, or we all have our flaws, or its okay not to be okay. but no, to me, its not. its all or nothing in my head. its a poisonous way of thinking, i realise that, but its pretty much ingrained in me at this point.

because when all your surrounded by are people who are a million times smarter, you feel dumb. so you strive to get perfect grades so you dont need to feel dumb anymore. because when all your friends have perfect skin and perfect bodies, you want to be like them too. and since youre not, youre flawed. youre not good enough. youll never be good enough. because when you fuck things up, you feel like the ultimate failure. and maybe you are, who knows. because you see things as black and white. as right or wrong. nothing in between. maybe thats why i like math and science, because its concrete and definite and.. well.. perfect.

this idea of perfection is so irrational, yet i still strive to be perfect every single day. i wake up every day wanting to be better. because i hate myself, and what better way to boost my self esteem if i become perfect? there we go with another poisonous thought. i mean im already suicidal enough, why should i add to it by creating these unrealistic expectations of myself?

and yet here i am hating myself even more because im thinking these irrational thoughts that make me even more depressed which makes me even more imperfect because perfect people dont do irrational things. why am i like this?

good question. sadly its not one i can not answer.

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ignorance will prevail 2/1/2017 - 10:44 pm

“The true genius shudders at incompleteness — imperfection — and usually prefers silence to saying the something which is not everything that should be said.”.

-Edgar Allen Poe

SeeSmith 2/1/2017 - 11:42 pm

Kids these days. Back in my day we had to be more than perfect, we had to be perfect to a T.

And, frankly, I never understood what the hell that meant so I just said fuck it.

My dad grew up during the depression and was stuck with the war in Korea for an encore. He had to be perfect. He was an interesting guy because of his perfectness, but it screwed with his head in some horrible ways.

Dad kept pushing me to try harder in school because that’s what you do. Fuck it, fuck it. I was not going to be like him.

I think I made the right choice. Yes, there are times that I wish I had tried harder, but I also wish I had 12 dicks and could fart in colors. So what?

There is a great speech in the movie Meatballs. I recommend *reading* it.

Hey, gang, come on! Look it, just `cause we’re losing doesn’t mean it’s all over.

That’s just the attitude we don’t need.

Sure, Mohawk has beaten us twelve years in a row. Sure, they’re terrific athletes. They’ve got the best equipment that money can buy. Hell, every team they’re sending over here has their own personal masseuse, not masseur, masseuse. But it doesn’t matter.

Do you know that every Mohawk competitor has an electrocardiogram, blood and urine tests every 48 hours to see if there’s any change in his physical condition? Do you know that they use the most sophisticated training methods from the Soviet Union, East and West Germany, and the newest Olympic power Trinidad-Tobago? But it doesn’t matter. It just doesn’t matter. IT JUST DOESN’T MATTER. I tell you, IT JUST DOESN’T MATTER! IT JUST DOESN’T MATTER! IT JUST DOESN’T MATTER!

And even, and even if we win, if we win, HAH! Even if we win! Even if we play so far over our heads that our noses bleed for a week to ten days. Even if God in Heaven above comes down and points his hand at our side of the field. Even if every man, woman, and child held hands together and prayed for us to win, it just wouldn’t matter, because all the really good looking girls would still go out with the guys from Mohawk ’cause they’ve got all the money!

It just doesn’t matter if we win or we lose. IT JUST DOESN’T MATTER! IT JUST DOESN’T MATTER! IT JUST DOESN’T MATTER!

I saw that movie and I thought, “Finally! Somebody gets it!”

ignorance will prevail 2/1/2017 - 11:49 pm

Do you… know how horny you’d be if you had twelve dicks? You’d have twenty four testicles…

jadedjewel 2/2/2017 - 12:03 am

I love your brand of rationalizing SeeSmith. 🙂

There are just some things we can’t change about ourselves beautifulsinner, I tend to be analytical as you tend to be perfectionist… like it’s in our DNA or something. And no pill is going to change that and yes it can become problematic in our lives. I guess the key is to learn how to manage it so it doesn’t become so detrimental and burn you out…. how one does that exactly I haven’t figured it out…. although there are days where I am like SeeSmith and just say fuck it because he is right… most of the time it just doesn’t matter. Give yourself a break time and again… your world really won’t come to an end I promise you… sometimes beautiful things are born from imperfections and mistakes. 🙂

lxmyrick 2/2/2017 - 8:42 am

I understand you pain, I am the same way.

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