it needs to be perfect. everything you do needs to be perfect. you need to be perfect.
those are just a few of the thoughts racing around in my head, each and every day. its not like my parents had anything to do with this, no, its all me. im always worrying about everything, always tense, always wanting whatever i do to be perfect.
because i want to be perfect.
what a silly thought right? no one is perfect you might say, or we all have our flaws, or its okay not to be okay. but no, to me, its not. its all or nothing in my head. its a poisonous way of thinking, i realise that, but its pretty much ingrained in me at this point.
because when all your surrounded by are people who are a million times smarter, you feel dumb. so you strive to get perfect grades so you dont need to feel dumb anymore. because when all your friends have perfect skin and perfect bodies, you want to be like them too. and since youre not, youre flawed. youre not good enough. youll never be good enough. because when you fuck things up, you feel like the ultimate failure. and maybe you are, who knows. because you see things as black and white. as right or wrong. nothing in between. maybe thats why i like math and science, because its concrete and definite and.. well.. perfect.
this idea of perfection is so irrational, yet i still strive to be perfect every single day. i wake up every day wanting to be better. because i hate myself, and what better way to boost my self esteem if i become perfect? there we go with another poisonous thought. i mean im already suicidal enough, why should i add to it by creating these unrealistic expectations of myself?
and yet here i am hating myself even more because im thinking these irrational thoughts that make me even more depressed which makes me even more imperfect because perfect people dont do irrational things. why am i like this?
good question. sadly its not one i can not answer.