I think I finally pinpointed what is killing me. I have extreme self hatred and anger for how I hurt my ex. I was really cruel and hurtful to her after she dumped me, and I can’t forgive myself for it. I felt broken hearted and hurt, and I didn’t see her side. Now it’s too late. The truth is I didn’t believe in the concept of true love, soulmates or even love before I met her. When I was with her, and when she said I love you, it was the most amazing thing to me. I felt so much hope and joy being with her and I truly felt like my life made sense. I was grateful to be alive, a feeling I hadn’t known in years. I will never be able to truly put into words how much love and respect I feel for her. When she left though it hurt so fucking deeply. I felt like I couldn’t breathe and like I was going to throw up when I heard those words. The whole thing is just deeply sad to me on so many levels. Because there was the amazing love and healing for both of us, the misunderstanding when she left, and me being hurtful. But just the sheer level of pain that surrounds this for me is unbelievable. I mean not only do I miss her and feel like I will never see my soulmate again, but I hurt her deeply, and can’t forgive myself or move on. I messaged her older sister on facebook telling her how sorry I am. I don’t expect her to respond, but in a sad way it makes me feel closer to my ex. I truly can’t reconnect with hope again without her, and I know if I choose to live I will have to carry this burning pain inside for the rest of my life. For the past couple of days I have been crying literally all day with this horrible pain in my heart that just keeps getting worse. it’s been 3 years since i’ve even seen my ex in person, and I miss her every single day. I truly felt when I was with her that she was my soulmate because when I was with her I felt so inspired, hopeful and she helped me grow as a person. I am truly coming to grips with the fact that I really am fucked. I just don’t want to carry this regret and sadness anymore. I can tell that if I choose to live, I will still carry this pain in 10/20/30 years from now. This is not something I will ever be able to just get over. I have clung to the hope that one day I will see her again, but that is fading as well, and I don’t have another reason to stay.
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Tell her all this. Its gold.
And tell her you reacted in a wrathful fashion because the enormous stress the break up has caused you.
Tell her realized that al ou want to do is love her and elevate her.
Thanks, sadly I have told her how I feel, but it didn’t seem to change anything.
There is no such thing as a mistake. We all do whatever we feel is best at the time, with whatever information is available to us, and with whatever perspective we have at the time. So, when you retaliated against your ex, your perspective was greatly narrowed by your extreme emotions created by your ego. You just couldn’t see outside of that narrow scope. You didn’t know any better.
There is a beautiful saying in the Bible, that I live by. “Forgive them for they know not what they do.” When a person hurts another, that person cannot have known what they were doing, simply because no person in his/her right mind would hurt another.
You hurt your ex, because you didn’t know what you were doing, *at the time*. Now, the heat has cooled off, and you have realized that what you did was wrong.
We all are guilty of hurting others, because the ego constricts our vision, narrows our perspective, and prevents us from seeing the whole picture. We get caught up in feelings and emotions, due to our biology, and we react.
Forgive yourself. And, if possible, … forgive your ex, too. … for your own sake.