I feel such a freedom when I think of dying, freedom from every problem I have in this life. I think I have been here long enough to be able to choose to leave. I think I have tried long enough to live, to be able to die. To be honest I am so damn sick of this life, this country, and people in general. I decided to write out what I want in life last night, what really matters. I have no interest in status, money, picking girls up in bars, sports cars, or shitty 9-5 jobs. I really have no patience left and […]
Wolfenstein626
The primary reasons I want to die are Mental illness, addiction, and my ex. I’ve been dealing with mental illness for years and years. I have tried everything to try to recover, but it’s still fucking me over every day. I have dealt with addiction for years and have tried everything I can think of, and yet I’m still in a full blown relapse, and my life is progressively getting worse. 4 years ago I was in a similar spot in my life. I was in constant physical and mental agony and had serious thoughts of suicide everyday. I met my ex and we fell […]
I think I finally pinpointed what is killing me. I have extreme self hatred and anger for how I hurt my ex. I was really cruel and hurtful to her after she dumped me, and I can’t forgive myself for it. I felt broken hearted and hurt, and I didn’t see her side. Now it’s too late. The truth is I didn’t believe in the concept of true love, soulmates or even love before I met her. When I was with her, and when she said I love you, it was the most amazing thing to me. I felt so much hope and joy being […]
I’ve had a really rough day today. One of the most fucked up parts was I have to drive a motor scooter like 10 miles each way between my parents houses, which is normally fine. However tonight it was 20 degrees. I was going from my moms to my dads and I noticed it was cold as hell outside, but I rationalized to myself “ah whatever it’ll be fine” About half way to my dads I noticed my hands progressively burning worse and worse and I realized I was fucked. need better gloves. Anyways about 2/3 of the way there my hands were buring like they were […]
I’m just going to be completely honest about where i’m at. I feel that my suicide is absolutely inevitable. I feel like I try to create the motive, drive, or hope to recover and really live. I feel like the truth is I don’t truly care about it. I feel like the pain from what happened with my ex is going to kill me. Her memory haunts me everyday and it is draining me. I listen to songs that make me think of her and make me hurt, but at the same time makes me feel close to her in a way. What happened with […]
Ibogaine is finally wearing off. Longest 44 hours of my entire life. So grateful I took it, equally grateful that it’s over. I am now going to disappear for 90 days, and make the changes needed in my life.
I’ve literally processed every issue in my life in the past 20 hours. Forgiven my ex, forgiven myself, worked through all my mental blocks and self enslaving beliefs. Connected with my dad, told him how i’m feeling (literally, he came home when I texted him I told him everything. It made our relationship closer than ever before) I Realized I don’t want to die, saw myself dead in a grave with every single person who cares about me feeling the pain and sorrow of it. Saying if only we could have helped him. Swore to myself I would take actions to change everything that keeps […]
So I took the test dose of ibogaine an hour ago. It wasn’t anywhere near the flood dose, but just a dose to test things to make sure i’m not going to have a bad reaction. After taking it lying down I started to have really weird thoughts come into my head. Songs lyrics I have heard. Mostly eminem for some reason. I started having thoughts about my ex, remembering specific things that I didn’t realize before. She didn’t mean to hurt me when she broke up with me, she just wanted space, she still loved me but wanted to focus on herself. Then thoughts […]
I’ve decided if I don’t see her again, if she is never a part of my life again, then I am done. When I met her we started as friends. We had similar thoughts and interests. We were real with each other and we connected on such a deep level. It turned into a romantic relationship, we had so much love, trust, and respect for each other. It felt like a close friendship with romantic love involved. She was so beautiful, always there for me, so compassionate. The first time we kissed my whole body completely lit up and I felt like I never had […]
I completely forgot how serious withdrawal from meds can be. I quit my remeron, cymbalta and abilify cold turkey. I know it sounds stupid, but imagine you are stuck on these meds day after day. Feeling mentally drained, numbed, and feeling increasingly stupid from the brain fog, thanks cymbalta. Anyways after numerous attempts of weaning off in the past that completely failed, I decided that the only way off of them is to completely stop taking them. In a sense I feel like a fog over my mind has been lifted, all the sedation is gone now. I can see straight and I don’t feel […]
I have decided to go through with the ibogaine flood. I have a strong action plan that I plan on following after the flood in an attempt to recover my life. I have decided to cut all internet access for 90+ days because I believe it will take that long for me to set up new habits in my life. The internet has absolutely ruined my life and also I can’t have the distraction of the internet taking away from me focusing on rebuilding my life. I will cut all internet access in a few days and will disappear for 3-4 months. I will see […]
I’ve grown tired of wasting my life. Get up at 11am, eat, watch tv, waste time online, walk around the house, take a nap, play some guitar, eat again, take another nap, listen to music, smoke some weed, check email again, contemplate doing something, decide not to do it, watch some boring shit on tv, Fuck it’s only 3PM??!!? Repeat the whole thing again. Eat dinner, listen to more music, post rant on sp, watch amp reviews on youtube, check email again for no reason, think about going for a walk, but decide not to, stretch, go to sleep. Repeat the next day. As you […]
I truly believe Cymbalta is one of the most evil medicines (poisons?) ever produced. The side effects are absolute hell and made me think I was literally going insane. I felt a horrible brain fog, it caused chronic muscle pain, and I was losing my ability to speak or form simple sentences. Taking Cymbalta basically feels like having brain damage. It can also destroy your liver if taken too long. Doctors know it is bad, but they prescribe it because they are in the pockets of the drug companies, one of those being the company that produces Cymbalta. The withdrawal is unbelievably horrible. For me it […]
I’ve grown very tired of the bullshit that goes on in the usa, and I quite literally want to leave and move to Costa Rica.
I just remembered my past experience with anafranil. Before taking it I was constantly anxious, couldn’t slow my obsessive thinking down, had severe social phobia to the point that I stopped leaving my house, and everytime I had to be around other people I was completely miserable counting the seconds until I could be alone again. I started on 25 mg and at first it didn’t do anything so my dose was bumped to 50 and then 100mg. On 100mg after around 2 weeks of starting it everything changed. I was happy, the constant tension overthinking obsessive mind shit was gone. My social anxiety was […]
I’m staring journal logs called stoned rhymes now where I basically get stoned and then write a bunch of strange rhymes. I just write the first thing that comes into my head and try to keep it flowing. I actually have found it quite therapeutic, and a great mental exercise so far, but i’m also starting to see into my mind and how I think.
They always talk about choosing the lesser of two evils, but what about the lesser of 5 evils? Addiction, obsession, self harm, isolation, suicide. There are so many choices in today’s world, and I am trying to learn to choose none of them.
Something I have been realizing about 12 recovery recently I feel like the continuous affirmation that I am powerless seems to make me more powerless and makes my life worse. I have been going to a 12 step program for 3 years now and I never clicked with it or got any long term freedom from addiction, but I kept going because I didn’t know what else to do. The first step is to admit you are completely powerless over your addiction. I am taking a different approach now and trying to overcome my addiction. I just never felt like I was being true to […]
I feel like I am facing impossible odds, addiction, ocd, depression, social phobia, isolation, chronic pain. I feel like it would be easy to continue on the path i’m on and just self destruct to death. But for some reason I can’t explain I feel an inner calling telling me to fight. It’s not hope, it’s anger. I’m pissed off at the way the world is and I don’t want to let it kill me. I know I will be greeted with unimaginable pain in taking this path. I know my own mind will turn on me again, convince me I will never make it, […]