As a teenager and through my early twenties, I used to think that me being alone was because the world was full of **** and that I was being graded on how well I conformed. But over the years I’ve begun to see that I’ve failed everyone in my life. I don’t know how to be a real person. I cannot give people what they need. I know the words but I don’t know how to speak the language. And I can no longer delude myself into believing the world is at fault while pretending that I’m not an empty shell of a human being. I cannot blame others for my failure to conjure words for something as easy and natural as conveying genuine emotion to those whom share this existence with me. Nor are they at fault for the complete absence of joy and desire to see anyone I once knew, or how my will alongside the need to experience love and reciprocate its warmth through a loving embrace shared quietly in an eternal moment of time have wholly atrophied and dislodged themselves from my being like dead skin. I can no longer consciously ignore what I see every time I look in the mirror, or upon reminiscing with old photographs.
I’m tired of denying what the silent exodus of everyone after they became unable to endure the loneliness of my presence has been saying all along: Turn the lights off, no one is coming home.
3 comments
I read this and I keep thinking of Pink’s “Perfect”.
It sounds like you are on the the verge of a journey of self-discovery and authenticity. It’s painful, for sure, letting go of what you value in your life that isn’t working, including parts of yourself you find somehow not relevant. But it is a process and you’re worth the time it takes for discovering who you are apart from who you were told to be.
“As a teenager and through my early twenties, I used to think that me being alone was because the world was full of **** and that I was being graded on how well I conformed”
You had it right, as a teenager and through your early twenties 🙂
The world IS at fault for conditioning people to the point that those who don’t conform are left out on the social perimeter. There is no question about that !
The way you feel is a totally normal response to the universal human condition. Look around on this site, for example. We are all just different manifestations of the same universal human condition of insanity. We respond differently, perhaps, but make no mistake about it, we all suffer … even those who put on happy faces and “have it easy”. Everyone suffers. The better actors hide it better.
You didn’t fail anyone. All you need is a slight shift in perspective. You were right to think that the world is insane. And, to see that, requires sanity. If you doubt that the world is insane, just turn on the news or pick up a history book.
I think everyone is like this. Not everybody admits it or has the self awareness to realise it. I think if we could all just chill and be like damn, this world is crazy and so are we huh, and actually discuss our stranger thoughts about loneliness and existence, we’d all be happier. Concerned for the state of our species, for sure… but happier. More comfortable in our fragile, imperfect skin. But no… for the majority that I see, it’s all about denial. The most popular people seem to be the ones who can trick your mind into forgetting cold reality for a bit.
Please, learn to find pleasure in your awareness. I dunno why people exist and why we are such weird, lonely creatures, but I feel like it can only benefit us and future generations to separate the illusions from the truth. I don’t think you’re wrong for feeling the way you do. And likely there is a hidden talent in not wasting mental energy on some TV drama style affection you think you owe people.
Oh, and yes, you’re a real person. You haven’t failed at that. Breathe, imagine your body and how you look in your mind, and then go look in a mirror for a bit. Just take in the fact that you’re “there” as much as others. Not a shell, just maybe not currently as enthused about existing as the people you see seem to be.
Your thoughts sound pretty dissociated from yourself at the moment and the actions I mentioned help me when I’m there.