Hey, SP. 1st time/long time… Truth is I’m not doin so bad. Not like I was. Reading your collective posts may have helped, idk.
The thing is, even though I’m not feeling the eternal despair like I was(for the most part), and many of you are, I still feel like suicide is the most logical course of action. While I can make it through the days I still have little to no hope, aspirations, self confidence, can’t smile, etc. Some days (hours) are better than others as I’m sure you can relate. And I too feel bad for the people forced to handle my emotional roller coaster ride – hours where I want to rage out (for little actual reason), hours where I can barely pick my head up off my desk, and hours when I’m as playful as a child going to his first amusement park.
On the plus side I should have a phone interview this week, while I do have a job this one would be better. Though I’m confident it’s not likely I’ll be the best candidate. And even if I were offered a better position can I really relocate and put myself in front of a new crowd? With certain expectations to perform? To lead? It’s more comfortable to be a a potato at my current job, the thought of it gives me anxiety.
OOh, the anxiety. That’s a big problem, that and what I believe is mostly paranoia due to my self loathing but it doesn’t make my reactions and emotions from it any less real. And the real kicker, I see some of you that come back after months, after years of remission. So might I ask, how is suicide not the logical decision?
Thanks for reading and nice to meet y’all. Good luck in your endeavors
-LMNO