Honestly, I dont even know why I want to kill myself. I dont know why, but I just want to.
I want to give up on my life. Everytime I look back on the things on Ive done, it makes me want to cry.
To be comepletely honest, while thinking about registering here, I cried. I then spent the next hour deciding to sign up or not.
My mom walked in on me just now. I tried hiding my face and wiped the tears away, but she saw me for a second or two probably. She asked why my eyes were red. She then went on talking about not doing drugs, which I have never done in my life. My brother does do drugs, thats why she keeps on talking about it. She doesnt even know what Im going through. She keeps on talking about drugs, so much that it annoys the fuck out of me. I know I will never do drugs. Im not stupid. I fucking know. Im not like my brother. Why does everyone compare me to him?
I hate this. I hate my life.
8 comments
Have you tried talking to your mother about this? More often than not, people can’t see it when individuals are going through mental issues. It’s just the nature of the whole thing. Also, maybe she’s lecturing about the drugs because she cares about you, and doesn’t want you to turn out like your brother.
Anyway, welcome to SP, and I would really recommend that you open up about this to someone in your life that you trust. Keeping these things to yourself is extremely dangerous.
But thats the thing: I dont want people IRL to find out about this. This is why I joined. I just want to rant and vent and probably ask about stuff.
Thanks for the welcome
*english isnt my native language
It’s fine. There’s quite a few people on here whose native language isn’t English.
It’s good that you joined, and it may definitely help. However, this place can only do so much. It’s understandable that you don’t want people to know about this. However, it’s a thing that you can’t handle on your own. You’ll need face-to-face support in order to handle this. Support that’s near and a part of your life. Anyway, you don’t need to rush it. Take your time and think about everything and anything.
What have you done that makes you want to cry?
Honestly? I did nothing in my life. The best memory I have is me groping a female classmate’s breast in 6th grade. Thats it. My life is a mess. Ive been skipping school and just stay in this cafe the whole day. Sometimes I read a book or continue with my writings but mostly, I just sit there, thinking about the things I could have done differently. Thingking about what ifs and other stuff like that.
Also, the silence is terrifying. I always overthink and make myself depressed. This is why my friends call me the headphones guy, because I always put on music to make myself not think. Sometimes, I dont even listen to good music. Sometimes I just listen to japanese rock or anime songs. The sounds make it hard for me to think so its fine, I guess
Wow. Your parents don’t seem to know who you are. That is probably why they parallel how your brother behaves and the idea of yourself in their minds. What troubles you? Do you not have any friends to speak to and hang out with? I am willing to make friends if you would like any help.
Good luck, stranger!
It’s nice to know that people like you exist out there
kkkk