I need to leave this apartment, this city, yet I am still here four days after what happened, in this hazardous home. Irresponsible – been 4 days and will not communicate what needs to be done with the lease or money so I can attempt to find a solution. I have no idea of where I would be going. I need to go. I’ve never been this terrified in my life. I really have no where to go from here. I just want to disappear. I want to erase the last two years, at least I would still have a home. I feel constant distress. I wish I had someone here to help me. I don’t know what to do. I’ve been crying and in distress constantly. I can’t do anything. I want to scream, but I don’t. I say please God, help me. But I know that never works. I want to cut but I never do. I want to die but I can’t right now. I want to be helped and I want someone who cares about me to be here to help me get out of this mess he made for me.
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It appears we have been living parallel existences this week or month. Maybe year.
I’ve been fighting cycling up. Part of me wants to just blast off. The other part, the sane part, is holding the rope tied to my leg desperately looking for a tree to tie it off to.
Maybe I should just do a post about this instead of just posting music. What I am trying to say and poorly communicating tonight is that I feel everything you are describing but in waves. Currently the wave is quiet. Mostly because I am eyeball deep in electronica and can’t hear anything else going on in the house.
Currently this wave is quiet too. Thank you for sharing that with me. It gives me some solace to know that someone else is experiencing the same feelings.
But now I’ve started to cry.