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To Love, To Hate

by every_nightfall

Last year, I started suffering from depression.

Last week, I started cutting.

Last day, I cried and told myself how ugly the wounds look.

 

I’m not used to seeing my left wrist so jagged and so scarred.

Is it normal to love and hate cutting both at the same time?

To love and to hate. Two contradicting things I always seem to clash together.

 

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ibrkuy22 3/13/2017 - 7:31 pm

I understand, stranger. I could almost see into the future when I was 13-14 and kicked out of school, all alone with my anger. I got bruised one day outside around this time and came home thinking: this pain in my body lessened my pain in my mind, maybe if I cut myself the pain in my mind will surely go, at least temporarily. I thought if I begin to do this I will not find the peace out of the war in my mind, I knew that it would lead to an addiction because of how severe my feelings were, and that would be very dangerous. I decided then and there, standing with the bruise on my leg or wherever and a troubled face that I would fight off any desire to harm myself, let alone because I am not the one who deserves to be hurt. You too, should fight off any ideas and feelings of self-harm, you are probably not the person who deserves pain anyway, it is the people who cause you to think suicidal thoughts that are the ones who deserve to be hurt, and most likely very badly, too. There are some people who do not intend harm – or anything at all for that matter – but end up doing so by simply ignoring the person who almost cannot bear life without them. This happens to be my case. I am sure there are better people out there who I can direct my admiration toward instead, but there are such few in my luck.

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