Last (probably)

My first post was made as I was in a very difficult place in my life; struggling to make decent grades in college and spending most of my time alone.

This post is being written from a different perspective; I am comfortable with where I am in life and I see “friends” regularly.

I must admit that I question my own mental health, but to what degree I cannot say.

Now I begin with my first statement: I am certain that the only certain statement I can make about my experience in this life is that I have not had an enjoyable one.

Second statement: everything will eventually end.

Third statement: Humans seem to be self serving and obnoxious in every respect, myself not excluded.

I seriously am considering suicide as a very real and imminent answer to all of my trivial problems. I am sick of dull conversation. I am sick of anxiety. I am sick of boredom and disappointment. I never can derive happiness from my life, even in the acts that formerly would please me more than any other. Sexuality, competitiveness, family, friendship, philosophy; it all has become hollow and unfulfilling in the most recent months and even years.

I recite a song that has resonated with me.

“Try not to miss me,

Fulfill your every dream.

Life wasn’t meant for me,

My passing so serene.

This is my destiny,

No need to intervene.

Death is so beautiful.

Death is so beautiful.”

I am not sure that I will end my own life in the coming days or months.

All I can say is that I hope that I find the courage to.

Peace be with all of you and I hope that you find something that makes you happy.