My Life, Why I Want to Die

This is a short explanation of my life and why I want to die I’ll keep it short but I plan on killing myself rather soon so I’d like at least someone to have heard this story. I’m 20 years old currently and have been severely depressed for the past 12 years. It started when I was around 7, I was a smart kid who loved school but was athletic too. I was much more athletic than my grade and the one above it so I played with the much older kids. At the time I didn’t realize but they were picking on me and being really mean to me. Then in September my grandfather went to the hospital after suffering a horrible heart attack, shortly after he went into a coma in December me my mom and dad went to visit him. It was December 23 shortly after my birthday when he died I was sleeping in his room and refused to leave believing he would get better he died while I held his hand talking to him. I was super sad and didn’t go to school till mid January. After that my best friend left school and pretty much told me he didn’t care about me he was my only friend. Then that same year I kept getting sick and I went to the doctors in march and after about a month of on and off tests I was diagnosed with crohn’s disease and spent most of April out of school and in bed. I came back to school determined no matter what it would be a good school year(I’m severely allergic to dairy, penuts, and shellfish and also have ahasma) in my first few weeks of school I was shunned and teased into a corner and became obsessed with books as a getaway from the real world. One day in spring one of the kids came over they all knew about my allergies and poured a carton of milk on me. I was rushed to the hospital as I swelled up and it became difficult to breathe they laughed at me. I spent a week in the hospital and was released, when I went back to school everyone teased me more and pushed cartons of milk at me for the next few years until 7th grade which an 8th graded emptied a one pound bag of powdered coffee creamer over me. I had to get nearly naked as it had coated my clothes and got inside and I had breathed much of the dust in. I stabbed myself with my three epipens almost a gram of epinephrine as my throat was swelling. I was once again rushed to the hospital(never once did anyone receive punishment) when I came back the same kid who used the coffee creamer smashed my head into a fence post where my forehead hit the end of a cut off bolt and started gushing blood to where I couldn’t see after 2 seconds and had to be walked back to the office, I ended up with 13 stitches. I came back and his friends and him started throwing rocks at me on a daily basis again without any repercussions. I left this school wanting to die for a few years now ever since my grandfather died really. I then started home schooling until I was 16 and my parents decided I needed to socialize and made me go to a high school dance. I should mention here I’ve seen my dad maybe 500 times ever in my life and me and my mom had developed a sort of hatred for each other after living  together. I had my license at this time so I drove myself there. Once I got there I met a beautiful girl who I decided I’d try to get together with. I made my move on the first slow dance and danced with her, the problem was she hated me for some reason and kicked my shins with horrible hard pointy boots to the point I was bruised and bleeding I left after that dance my pride and legs hurting. From 8th-12th grade I solely snowboarded as my only pastime. In my junior year still wanting to kill myself and deeply saddened I was laying in bed when my mom came in furious, I asked her what was wrong and she showed me a piece of pizza all shriveled up and nasty. She started yelling and hitting me asking me about it I didn’t understand. I finally broke at that moment after years of mentally hurting and wanting to die I told her I wanted to die. She just hit me harder and said that was just an excuse and it’s my fault we had a few ants in the house(they came every summer). That day on I found out no one would understand me. I graduated high school with flying colors and left the house at age 18. I slept in my car a while until I made into a decent college  I had a well paying job I considered at the time and started working on my engineering degree(I won’t list places or types of things to remain anonymous) still feeling horribly depressed and wanting to kill myself more I started making like real genuine plans at age 19 like buying items and making sure my plan wouldn’t fail after looking into many failed suicides. I continued this for a month then decided I would first contemplate for a year and if anything changes I’ll change with that. Almost turning 20 I met an amazing girl who was kind quiet and happy. This was in September November kind of area. It is now April and I am back to being horribly unhappy but extremely lucky to have my girlfriend mentioned above. I am now deciding to go through with this in September this year and leaving everything I own to my girlfriend being the only one who cares about me. No one knows how I feel until now and I am glad that maybe someone will read this.

Thank you for reading and I’m sorry if I sounded self pitying or anything during that I’ve never told anyone how I feel and this satisfies me in knowing maybe someone will know my story wether or not they remember it it has been found out at least once. The only regret is for my GF who I understand will feel my pain after I die but she deserves better my tip before committing is think of loved ones.