Change my attempt, good intentions.

I compare where I am at now to where I was before and it is night and day. Before every time I would get upset I would end up wanting to just die. I would be so overwhelmed with emotions that suicide was the best escape. I remember taking so many sleeping pills and pain pills. I could feel myself slip away and I couldn’t tell if I was breathing or if my heart was beating. I did this countless times and I would always wake up to my body forcing me to throw up. I turned to cutting and each cut I made gave me a sense of release I cut my ankles and my wrists. No one understood me, all I was trying to do was to stop my pain and this was the only way that made sense to me. I wouldn’t be able to function on bad days so I would miss school and lock myself in my room and cry. Eventually I realized that I was hurting myself that I wasn’t being compassionate to myself. I made a promise that from there on out I would try to love myself that I would be more compassionate. I didn’t miss school anymore I kept going no matter what. I didn’t beat myself up over mistakes anymore I just moved past it. I started to be selfish and put myself first for a change, I did what I wanted. I stopped cutting and I stopped attempting suicide and eventually my suicidal thoughts stopped. I didn’t want to die, I decided that I deserved to live. I worked hard and accomplished my goals. None of this happened over night it was a very long road and it took 5 years. And I’m not saying that I’m fixed and that I’m all better, I’m just saying I don’t feel as horrible as I used to. I am bipolar and this has made everything so much more difficult but I have made it this far and I am proud. I still feel emptiness, sadness and loneliness but it doesn’t consume me anymore and control my life. My emotions were like chains that tied me down and life wasn’t worth living that way. But not allowing my emotions to control me has broken those chains and freed me to roam as I please and this now is a life worth living. I’m not sure how many people are still left from before but I’ve posted on here a lot over the years and it has been a difficult battle but it is doable. I read your comments I know I don’t reply but I want you to know that I acknowledge the things that you say. I wish you the best.

Sincerely,

Still struggling but making it Alina