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I’m fine in the fire

by alina_01

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder some years back but I refused to accept that. To me the issues that plagued me were controllable. Medicine wasn’t a solution but rather hard work and effort was. I took meds for awhile and I remember feeling like I couldn’t react emotionally. I was seeing both a psychiatrist and a psychologist regularly and I don’t feel like it really helped me. I felt like I was better like I was just in a bipolar situation not that I was bipolar. In my mind there was nothing wrong with me, I didn’t need or want to be fixed. But it makes sense my mood swings still exist only they are more subtle. I feel unhappy deep down and I’m only happy sometimes. I don’t know how to completely save myself, I’ve done so much already. I have given myself a future and made myself happier than I have ever been, yet it isn’t enough. I’m not all better there was a flaw and there is still sadness and emptiness every time my mind is allowed to wonder.

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HelpThePeople 5/23/2017 - 12:17 am

My past can relate to yours. When I was little my parents divorced, long story short I took the medication and felt the same way. I stopped taking them and all the emotions came back. Making me sensitive with situations and people. I’ve grown out of it and I’ve taken a little control of my emotions but im still sensitive. Though my zodiac is cancer and they are known to be sensitive, which has helped me to accept myself. With the sadness with your mind wandering I’ve found to be you missing the past. The few happy memories or what could have been. All the thoughts of missing your past. Just learning the thing of the future is that you have so many options even if you don’t feel like you have any. I hope my words has helped you some for which I hope you a good night.

water 5/23/2017 - 12:54 am

I don’t think it can be done alone. I was diagnosed with major bipolar and major depression a few years ago but for various reasons, I refused to remedy it with anti depressants and talking..

Talking won’t work because I am stubborn and will never get over what happened to me and I see antidepressants as placebo pills. I also hate how you have to try the pills trial and error style and hope that one will even work.

Honestly, I already know I’m not going to make it. I am always lost and never satisfied when it comes to life. I never know what decisions I should take.. but when it comes to suicide, thinking about it feels so right. It is the only thing that feels right to me.

midian monster 5/23/2017 - 4:39 am

Hey water.
“I also hate how you have to try the pills trial and error style and hope that one will even work.”
That’s one of the reasons why i never bothered to go down the meds road. Besides, i know what works for me. The trouble is, the bloody Doctors won’t prescribe me what i want (painkillers and potentiators) so i have to get them from people i know.

brokenandbent30 5/23/2017 - 1:22 am

Bipolar and major depression here too. My bday is coming in 2 months and it always gives me morbid thoughts of killing myself on that day. I saw Soundgarden with Nine Inch Nails on my birthday a few years ago. Now my morbid mind has made a connection to kill myself on my birthday since I saw him on my birthday and he’s dead now.

It’s just annoying how the mind makes morbid connections to things and convinces you to take your life.

midian monster 5/23/2017 - 4:43 am

You know, i have never been to a concert in my life 🙁
For some reason, money problems, people problems or just general problems have always got in the way of this.
I do like going on youtube and watching some past performances.
I always liked the song ‘pretty noose’ from soundgarden.

brokenandbent30 5/23/2017 - 12:45 pm

Yes! “Pretty Noose” is a favorite for sure. When I found out how Chris died, I felt bad listening to it. Very eerie, but it still kicks ass. He just belts songs out, one of the most beautiful voices.

You should make sure you get to a gig one day. Those were some of the best times of my life! I’ve been with friends in the past, but I’ve even been alone. Lately, I really have to try to force myself. Seems harder to go, but I’ve seen pretty much every one.

midian monster 5/23/2017 - 1:00 pm

I feel the same way when i listen to layne staley singing ‘down in a hole’ and the unplugged version… wow.
I definately will try and see a concert 1 day.
Has there ever been a gig that you would have liked to have seen live?
I would have loved to have gone to a concert by ‘the smiths’ johnny fucking marr 🙂

brokenandbent30 5/23/2017 - 1:42 pm

Yes, I wish I could’ve seen Nirvana and Alice In Chains. The MTV Unplugged performances are incredible. The Smiths would’ve beeen nice to see. Love some of their songs. “How Soon Is Now?” still hits hard.

midian monster 5/23/2017 - 1:48 pm

For real mate.
Yeah nirvana would have been amazing to see. Can you imagine what it would have been like at the unplugged gig? Loved grohl’s drumming on that gig.
How soon is now, leaving the club on your own, go home, cry and want to die. Yh, i know that feeling.
love a lot of the smiths songs especially ‘this night has opened my eyes’

brokenandbent30 5/23/2017 - 1:25 am

Since I him on my birthday, “him” meaning Chris Cornell
Therapy helps some, but really it was my own will power to change my life and fight to live that has kept me alive this long. I’m trying to hold on for that spark again and focusing on things you love helps. I hope you guys can hold on. I thought I would die many times and found reasons to stick around.

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