So this is my first post on here, although I have been reading other people’s stories. I’m not quite sure if I should say anything, but I thought I’d give it a shot. Maybe something will happen, who knows.
I feel like I’m running out of time. To live or otherwise. I just can’t help but feel like I need to die right this second. I hate it.
Currently, things aren’t great. They’re not bad, and definitely not nearly as bad as a lot of you, but they’re not the best. I have a lot of student debt looming over my shoulders and I’m not doing the best in school (I’m on academic probation). The thing is, it’s not like I have some horrible extenuating circumstances making this totally inevitable. These aren’t even especially bad things, especially compared to a lot of other people in the world. I don’t get along with my parents or family, but it’s not like they beat me or anything like that. I don’t know, I guess things are just very inbetween right now. They’re not good, but they’re not horribly bad.
Which also makes this so much more frustrating. Sometimes I wish I did have horrible circumstances. I wish I was dying of cancer or live in a poverty-stricken household with abusive parents or something else. At least then I’d feel like I have a reason to feel this way.
But I don’t. I’m pretty blessed, from what I can tell. I wish I was more appreciative of it. I wish I was happier and mentally healthier. I wish I could wake up and actually want to get up. I wish I could go to sleep and look forward to the next day. I wish I could go to school and want to go to class and want to see friends and want to study and do well. I hate not wanting to do anything.
I wake up wishing I was dead. I go to sleep hoping I die in my sleep. I go to school thinking about how to kill myself. I come home thinking about how to kill myself. I have so many plans already, all written down neatly in a notebook. How to die, what to do before I die, bucket lists, what I’m going to do the day I decide it’s time to die, letters to people I still have things to tell, regrets… all the like. I’m not sure what to do with it all.
I hate feeling this way because I know I shouldn’t feel like this, but I do. My life is pretty great, and here I am complaining about it and wanting to end it. I shouldn’t, and I do. I shouldn’t feel this way. I have no reason to feel this way.
I feel like I’m running out of time. Maybe I’ll do it soon. Hopefully not, because I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help but want to. I can’t help but want to die all the time. I wish I didn’t. I wish I wanted to live and be happy, but I don’t. I don’t want to live anymore. I can’t wait to die.
I want to be happy. I just can’t help but feel like I won’t be happy here. Hopefully I find a reason to stick around, though.
2 comments
Hello! Thank you for posting read all! I understand what you mean when you say other people have more difficult situations and your kinda like you don’t have a right to feel the way you do. There are no specific circumstances that brings people to SP! the fact that you feel the way you do is enough! Do you feel comfortable talking to someone about how you feel in person? There should be someone at your school that you can go to. Obviously I don’t know you, but you seem like your a good person ! Please give yourself more time to figure things out! Many people here much more knowledgeable and I’m sure willing to help you! Please post more and hang in there!! Welcome to SP!
Have you sought treatment? What you are describing are are common symptoms of depression, and in most cases there are things that you can do about that, from lifestyle changes, to counselling, and medication.
I’d be a hypocrite to argue against suicide as an option, but I think we owe it those who love us (and ourselves) to first try all the other options.
My best wishes that you will find a path forward!