// why am i here.

“Nobody will love you, until you love yourself”

         That is such, such a scary thought.

If I can’t love myself, if I physically, literally can’t, then what’s my point? Companionship is at the base of a human’s needs, so what happens when we don’t have it? I know for me, it kills you the same way a lack of food will. It will be the same thoughts running through your head; you know the position you are in, but you can’t do anything. You won’t do anything. You know what will happen if you don’t, yet there you are. This takes longer than that though. Having nobody destroys you not only emotionally, but physically. It starts dull, you shrug it off, but then you start realizing. You realize that chances are, it is the one last push you need.

You know, I really shouldn’t be here, I’m not sure why I am – ah, that’s right, I stayed for the boy who claimed to love me, problems and all. See, I know that it’s my fault. I know that I somehow broke the promise I made to myself that I would be never care about anybody else, ever again. I know that it’s my fault for somehow letting you convince me it was real, I know.

God, I’m pathetic. I lose everybody. The worst part? It’s always my fault, I push them away. I tell them to leave when really what I want most is for them to stay. I suffer from borderline personality disorder. No, it is not something that you want. No, It is not just as simple as mood swings. No, I’m not the monster you probably think I am – but I’m pretty damn close. People don’t understand, and in a way that makes me glad, because I wouldn’t wish this upon anybody, not even the ones who’s hurt me. I have nobody, and every waking day is hell. I have lost everyone. My best, and only, friend died in a horrible truck accident… 3 years ago…. and I am still not over it. I lost my boyfriend to an opioid overdose. My father has been in the military for nearly 30 years, and as a result has major PTSD, which leads to him being both physically and emotionally abusive. Everybody leaves me, and I know that. I tell them that from the start and warn them. Most leave right then and there, personally, I like that better than the ones that stay for months, telling me they’re different and saying they understand my illness, and that no matter what they will stay… only for them to, as I told them would happen from the beginning, get tired of me and leave. I try to feel whole by finding people, but they only ever drop out of my life just as fast as they come into it.

Now, it’s bad. I lost the last person in the world who would listen and understand, the only person in the world who would care, at least he said he cared. I’m tired of this up and down, there no in-between, only extremes. Either one second I love you more than love can describe and the next I hate you, I blame you for one little thing that you did that set me off, or maybe you didn’t even do anything.

Sometimes, I’ll be both, I’ll be screaming at you to leave while I hold onto your arm for dear life.

I really would go on, because there is so much more and the little I can explain right now makes me sound so pathetic, but I doubt anybody is reading this anyways, and if you are, I don’t want to waste any more of your time than I already have. I guess my question is this, what is the point of living if all you do is screw everything up, all the time? If the one thing that you want, that you need, is the one thing you are incapable of ever having? If everything is only ever against you, and no matter how hard you try, you are never good enough?

Exactly… there is no point.