The primary reasons I want to die are Mental illness, addiction, and my ex. I’ve been dealing with mental illness for years and years. I have tried everything to try to recover, but it’s still fucking me over every day. I have dealt with addiction for years and have tried everything I can think of, and yet I’m still in a full blown relapse, and my life is progressively getting worse. 4 years ago I was in a similar spot in my life. I was in constant physical and mental agony and had serious thoughts of suicide everyday. I met my ex and we fell in love. I went to treatment, got sober, and turned my life around. We loved each other so much and she was everything to me. Then at a time my life was falling apart, I called her for support and she dumps me over the phone during that call. I was deeply hurt and became extremely mean and hurtful after that. She blocked all contact with me. My life completely fell apart after that and I relapsed. I feel a crushing shame from how I hurt her and I have dreams about what happened most nights. It’s been 3 years and I have made literally no progress at healing from what happened. The thing is she was the one thing in this life I cared about and now she is gone. I have no real hope without her, and I just can’t make myself really care about life anymore. I have no reason to stay. I have to deal with mental torture everyday and I hate my life. I am living with a bitter cold heart and a fucked up brain. It’s very clear to me now that my life is over. It’s been over for a while and I’m just living a hollow existence. I have people in my life who are trying to help me, but they can’t. No medicine, therapy, support, ect will ever be able to give me hope where there is none, and right the wrongs I have done. I have no goals in my life. I don’t want to move on and meet someone else romantically. I am not even capable of doing so. Being with someone else fills me with deep pain and sadness and reminds me of my ex. I am going to overdose on Xanax, alcohol and a huge dose of fentanyl. I’m finally going to leave this hellish life and I truly hope that one day, in some other reality I will see her again, and will be able to apologize, and tell her how much she means to me.
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Do you feel that it’s too late to sincerely apologize to her? If you haven’t already. Regardless of how she may respond to it, it might help take some of the pain away. After everything you two went through, she might have forgiveness in her heart even if your relationship won’t be the same. You say she blocked all contact with you, so if calling is not an option, sending a letter or giving it to someone who you could trust to give it to her could be another option. Even if she doesn’t say anything back, the fact that you made the effort really says something about who you are and even if it doesn’t seem like it now, someday you’ll really appreciate that you did it.
And maybe you have tried apologizing to her in the past. If so, maybe after some time , it wouldn’t be a bad idea to try again? I really hope it all works out for you.
Sorry, just saw that in your last sentence you said you wanted to apologize.