Art and Life sucks…

I wanted to believe that my art might perhaps somehow brighten me up, and fill that emptiness I feel every morning. An objective that I ended up creating perhaps as a crutch. But gradually it seems that I am losing all the essence that I have acquired over the years, through everything that I have created. The meanders of life, The opportunities that I received, and that I denied, and gradually I distance myself from the initial will, my goals, and I’m stagnating more and more … Every day I go further, than before Being in search of perfection, now it seems only an impossibility that I always confront, and that makes me more and more sad …

And the years are going on and now at the age of 24, I think I’ve actually played precious years in the trash with all this bullshit that “art cures”. And it’s not my art’s fault, it’s the shit choices I ended up taking on that …

I wanted to believe in myself, but maybe it’s time to set new challenges and concrete goals … What I got from art was good, but it did not fill that void and did not give me much satisfaction either. Quite the opposite. So what can I do? I really do not know, I’m not sure of anything. All I can feel is that sense of failure in everything I do. My motivations, everything I see and feel seems to be locked up, and I can not escape it.

I see all this difficulty that afflicts my family and friends to all around me and I feel helpless, I can not help them, I can not even guide myself in the face of such difficulties …
I’ve never had a steady job, I do not know what it means to love, because I really can not even love myself …

Something is keeping me from being myself. I feel like this is killing me from the inside. I’ve already thought about suicide, I’ve often cut myself to try to drown this sadness that is sometimes too deep, but the scars only made me worse … I still think sometimes, but then I think it’s not worth it, that I I must live with the pain, and that despite the failure I can really find redemption …

Somehow ….

I do not know, I want to curse art, but the worst thing is that it’s all my fault …
I want to help myself, help my family. Sometimes I just wanted to cry, but I can not do that either. Although I feel I sometimes cry asleep.
Anyway I still see hope. That I can find a job, and gradually stabilize financially and emotionally. I know that despite the drama I can still get out of this situation in a simple way, I see all these possibilities, but it is easy to conjecture in our head…

Everything seems to be distant ,,, My potential, I do not want to die without achieving what life has to offer. All the joy I felt, seemed even illusory, in the face of such a shadow that hangs within me.

Whoever read this to the end, please…I just wanted to somehow expose in words the things I did not even know were kept so intimately …. And somehow I feel better this way. ..
Thanks and sorry…